


Pushing The Senses

by brokenhighways



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Inspired by a Movie, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-12
Updated: 2012-12-30
Packaged: 2017-11-14 01:54:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared's just your average college kid until one day he ends up in an accident that changes his life. Despite the fact that he ends up with a medical condition that means that he can't retain most of short term memories, Jared's determined to maintain his independence away from his stifling parents. But a chance meeting with a guy called Jensen threatens to ruin everything he's worked hard for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a WIP, but I should probably have it all up within a few weeks depending on feedback lol. Hopefully. Title is from Feeder and this fic was inspired by a movie called The Lookout.

\---

 

 

Jared's always been a good kid, according to his mom. He had manners, he was charming, courteous - the perfect son. Of course, the way she tells it, that all changed the day he met Chad Michael Murray. If you ask Jared, his mom's just bitter that he finally stopped getting lost in books and actually started to have a life. Though, as he sits here in his joint therapy session, he supposes that he can't blame her. He shakes his head as he grabs his small, black notebook and peers into it. Wake up. Brush teeth. Shower. Class. He frowns as he tries to remember what he missed off. But he knows that it's no use. He flips back to yesterday’s page and sees the word staring back at him in his messy scrawl.  Breakfast. His stomach chooses that moment to rumble and he sighs. His shoulders slump as the doctor enters the room, stack of notes poised in front of her. And he wishes not for the first time that he could go back and relive the day that he met Chad Michael Murray.

 They don’t have a specific name for what he has. His doctor says that it’s similar anterograde amnesia; say his short term memory may never be the same again. At first he refuses to believe them but when he wakes up sweaty and alone with no recollection of how the hell he’s gotten wherever he is, he starts to believe. They ask question after question until his head hurts so badly but he can still remember the past. It some ways the fact that he still retains most of his long term memory is a curse. He can remember the way his life used to be. Remembers how he was the star of the football team at college. Hell, he remembers how he was actually _attending_ college. Now his scholarship’s been terminated and he’s stuck taking part in these classes and working as a cleaner at his father’s company.  It’s not that he can’t afford to just go back and pay himself; his Dad’s wealthiness isn’t a secret to anyone. But it would be a waste of time right now. So he does this job just because it’s something to do. His official title is “personal assistant” because his parents are those kinds of people but Jared knows that he’s basically a glorified cleaner. He spends his evenings – yes, _evenings_ – cleaning out paper shredders, trashcans and coffee makers in his father’s part of the building. According to his dad, it’s better to have someone he knows messing around in there than some cleaner from “ _God knows where!”_ Jared could be insulted by the fact that his own father thinks he’s so useless that he’ll never amount to anything and he could be insulted by the fact that his own mother thinks that he’s ruined his life. But he’s not; because he actually agrees with them.

 

His friend and confidante, Jesse says that it’s not true. That he can do whatever he wants to do if he just makes the effort but Jared just thinks that he’s being nice.  Jesse’s an ex-pro footballer who played a game for the Cowboys during pre-season and tore his knee out pretty good. If things had gone well he could be a star right now, but rehabilitation had been hard and he’d hit the bottle and gotten addicted to prescription drugs. He only knows that much because he’d ripped the page out of the report a PI had given his Dad. Jared’s sure that he’s asked Jesse what happened to him on numerous occasions but damn if he can actually remember getting any answers.

 

Eight years on from all of that, Jesse lives here in Dallas in the one bedroom apartment two doors down from Jared’s. Jared’s not sure what he does for a living now and he doesn’t ask. Or at least he _think_ s he doesn’t ask.  Still, Jesse’s been more of a friend to him than Chad ever was and that’s all Jared needs at the moment. Jesse’s the only one who knows that he remembers that night, remembers how stupid he’d been to finally cave in to all of the pressure Chad had been piling up on him.

There’d been a party; they were celebrating something or other. In all the time Jared had known Chad he’d spent a lot of refusing to partake in his hijinks. _My dad will kill me_ , he’d protest and Chad would just laugh at him and call him a wuss. But still Jared continued to hang out with the guy. Until one day two months ago Chad had spiked his beer. Later he’d find out the reason why only to forget it by the next day so it no longer mattered much except, Jared had been the DD that night. He’d gotten behind the wheel with some _drug_ in his system, lost concentration for three seconds and crashed into a huge barge out in near the woods and been left with his head all scrambled and a few facial injuries. The rest, he really couldn’t remember but his mother had helpfully providing him with every newspaper and online printout she could find. She wasn’t being malicious; she just wanted him to remember. But he didn’t remember anything past crashing. He didn’t remember Sandy being in the backseat. And he didn’t remember her leg being trapped, didn’t remember them having to cut it off right there.

Fuck, he didn’t want to.

 

~*~

It’s Friday today according to his calendar meaning that he could probably get away with arriving earlier to his Dad’s office. It might give him a chance to chat with Susie; his dad’s other personal assistant who gets to actually do more that wash up used coffee mugs. He can’t quite remember what they talk about each day but he’s written _Susie, nice but condescending and rude at times & likes to gossip_ in his trusty black notebook so he tries not say much to her. But he writes down everything she says about her job, so that one day he can maybe get his father to agree to him doing more. Unfortunately for him she’s not there when he gets there and he sighs, plugs in his iPod and gets to work. Music is always familiar to Jared. He could meet a pretty guy one day and forget his face by the next but the music? He remembers all of it. Even if it’s just a hummed tune, he’ll stick it in his memory and still remember it tomorrow. It’s something that he’s not going to bother telling anyone because his mother would just leech onto it and get them to prod at his brain once again.

Jared sets an alarm for 11 and when it goes off he finishes up and triple locks the door. The rest of the building has already been locked down, so he takes the private elevator down to the ground floor and leaves through the back. He can see the security guard at the front when he leaves but the guard never sees him. Twenty minutes later, as he steps off the bus, He’s distracted by the sounds of Matt Nathanson flowing into his ears. He enters the bar where the music is coming from. Jared’s never been much of a drinker but he likes the cosy atmosphere of the place. It’s not too loud, and it’s not too quiet and he goes inside and just stops. For a moment everything seems to zone out and the noise fades as though he’s underwater or something and he can hear screaming. He can hear Chad yelling his name, the noise of the wheels turning on the asphalt, the shards of glass sprinkling everywhere. Sirens.  More screaming. People calling his name and—

“Excuse me?” a voice stops the memories in their tracks and Jared looks up and finds himself staring into a pair of mesmerizing green eyes.

Jared’s world tilts on its axis right there and then.

 

~*~

The guy’s name is Jensen Ross. He’s a mechanic who’s just moved here from Lubbock and he offers to buy Jared a drink. Jared declines manner but requests water from bartender. His days of accepting a drink from anyone are over. He tries to get Jensen to leave him alone but the other man doesn’t seem to take the hint and, he’s not exactly hard to look at so Jared gives up in favour of doing just that. Jensen’s got short, light brown hair that’s artfully styled. His pale face is covered in a smattering of cinnamon like freckles, and his lips are pink, full and wet from the way he keeps on licking them. Jared can’t help the flare of attraction that he feels. Jensen must catch on because he winks at Jared and says,

“See something you like?” in a suggestive tone and Jared tenses up. He should never have come here.

“No,” he says in a forceful, angry voice and Jensen backs up and holds up his hands apologetically.

“Sorry…just, I’m not looking for anything right now”. Jensen nods understandingly and Jared wonders how long it will be before the man starts making his excuses. Who’d want someone like Jared anyway? He’s a pathetic, broken mess who won’t even remember Jensen come tomorrow anyway.

“Hey, I know you!” a voice from behind Jared sounds and Jensen looks up at the guy, recognition on his face. “You’re that hotshot college football kid, Pada-something? Dude, you were all over the papers a few months ago”.

“Chris!” Jensen hisses as the man comes into view. “I’m sorry about my cousin here; he’s kind of an ass”. Jared doesn’t trust himself to speak he just nods gently.

“Heard that you had some sort of amnesia or something?” Chris says and Jared sighs. He _really_ shouldn’t have come here.

“Uh, yeah” he says as he shifts in his seat uncomfortably.

“Good think that you’ve got your old man looking out for you, eh?” Jensen frowns at Chris and he adds.

“What with him being the owner of Padacorp and all” Jensen’s face doesn’t twitch or move an inch and Jared can’t help the bad feeling that emerges within him.

“I have to go,” he blurts out quickly before rushing out, not noticing that his black book has fallen out of his pocket.

 

~*~

He doesn’t usually have classes on Saturday so he gets up later. Only, he doesn’t remember to set his alarm the night before and he eventually wakes up at 2 in the afternoon. He’s glad that his parents relented and let him get his own place after the accident even if they have paid off his neighbour to keep tabs on him. Jared reaches to grab his book from the dresser but he comes up empty. It’s not there! He tries to remember where he saw it last as he gets out of bed but he _can’t_ fucking remember. There’s a fleeting moment of pure rage and seconds later when Jared snaps back into reality he sees that his lamp is lying on the floor with the glass from the bulb scattered liberally all over the floor. _Calm_ _down,_ he tells himself. _You must have a spare book, somewhere._ He turns and eyes his dresser carefully, reaching for the bottom drawer and throwing out the different pairs of socks before coming up with a sheet of paper. He breathes a sigh of relief when he sees the heading ‘In Case of Emergencies” on it with a list of things to do and how to go about finding his old book.

But he can’t help trying to remember once more and he closes his eyes and tries again. At first there’s nothing but darkness. A black abyss staring back at him but then he remembers. Green eyes. A guy. Jason? James? Jen…Jensen? He’s then hit by the scent of stale cigarette smoke and beer. A bar? He was at a bar? He tries to remember more for a few minutes but it’s futile. There’s nothing there and he goes back to the list scribbled on the paper. Shower. Eat. Check if your hair’s getting too long. Try not to panic. Retrace steps if you can. Call parents. Jared definitely doesn’t want to call his parents, so he decides to chase up the bar that he’d sort of remembered. Jesse’s number is up on his fridge and he calls it, telling Jesse to meet him here at 7 so they can go and look for it. For some reason, he’s too frightened to go by himself.

 

~*~

It takes Jesse literally three seconds to arrive at his apartment after he calls to say that he’s on his way. His parents just aren’t as clever as they think they are, though Jared’s not really sure what Jesse tells them. He doesn’t ask. It’s not like he’ll remember anyway.

“Here,” Jesse says as he holds out a black book identical to the one he’s lost as Jared lets him in. “Just in case you don’t find it”. Jared bites back the irritation flowing through him and accepts the book silently.  He tries not to panic at the mere thought of not getting the book back. Everything is inside it. _Everything._

“You know, it might be cheaper for me to just yell stuff at you via the hallway,” Jesse teases as he thumbs through his messages on his phone. “My cell phone plan kind of sucks.” Jared laughs even though he doesn’t find it very funny. People turning up unannounced messes with his head, makes him lose everything that he’s worked hard to store for that particular day. He doesn’t like that.

“So…” Jesse tries to start up conversation again and Jared realises that he hasn’t said a word. “Jason was it? They guy with the green eyes”

“Jensen.” Jared’s voice is firm and steady and Jesse looks impressed for a few moments before a frown graces his face. It’s new; remembering someone that he had never met before the accident that isn’t Jesse without looking through his book first. Usually he’ll write down their name and the one attribute that stands out the most. He hasn’t needed to that for Jesse and now…Jensen. Jared’s unsure as to why but he’s not going to kid himself into thinking that it’s some sort of breakthrough. “It’s probably just a one off.”

“But you hear those stories, don’t you? About how boy with amnesia meets girl and remembers girl only for the rest of his days…”

“And that’s exactly what they are. Stories - fictionalstories. Crap like that doesn’t happen in real life” and apparently Jared’s in a bad mood today. It’s probably because he’s so out of touch today but it happens every once in a while. He’ll sit there in the dark, with the curtains drawn up – wondering what the point of all of this and then forget that he’d even done it the next day. He thinks that they maybe wrote him a prescription for anti-depressants but according to his drug log he’s never taken any.

“C’mon, let’s go” Jesse says with a hint of wariness in his tone. Jared sighs despondently as he walks out of his apartment. He prays that he finds it.

 

~*~

 

They’ve been in the bar for five minutes when a strange guy comes over and greets him by name. He’s short and stocky, with long brown hair and blue eyes and he’s acting as if they’re best buddies. Jared doesn’t know who the hell he is.

“Hey, kid. Good to see you again, you bailed on us last night!” and Jared just blinks at him as he tries to remember anything about him. Jesse shifts beside him and he can tell that the man’s literally a minute away from telling the man to shut the hell up. But then he hears another voice saying,

“Chris, man. Leave him alone”. Jared _knows_ that voice. He remembers it.

“Jensen?” he asks and Jensen turns to look at him and Jared’s mind flashes in on his green eyes and practically screams _I remember him!_

“Uh, yeah. We met last night.  Actually – you left this here,” and Jensen reaches into his jacket pocket and pulls out Jared’s book and Jared practically sags down into his seat in pure relief. For a moment he doesn’t say anything he takes the book and loses himself in it. He almost misses the way the shorter man snorts and says,

“My god, his mind really is scrambled like a damn egg,” in his thick Southern drawl and he looks up just in time to see Jensen shooting him an unreadable look.

“You seem like good people,” Jesse says as he motions towards Jensen. “So I’ll give you a chance to tell your friend to beat it before I come over and rearrange his face for him”. Jensen nods tersely and mutters something angrily to his friend, who turns to shoot Jared a scathing look before slinking off towards the jukebox. Jared tries not to wince when the sound of Blake Shelton floats through the bar. He might be Texan, but he _hates_ all of that country crap.

“Uh, is he okay?” Jensen asks as he turns to Jesse as if Jared isn’t even there. Jared can’t help getting a little angry over that.

“I’m _fine_ ,” he replies tersely. “Thanks for grabbing hold of this for me”. And he turns to leave the bar as he wonders what had even drawn him to the place yesterday night. It’s cold outside and the breeze whips around him causing his hair to cascade around him in waves of brown strands. The weight of his book in his pocket calms him down, centres him and he’s about to start making his way home when he hears a voice call,

“Wait!”

 


	2. Chapter 2

Part Two

  


 

The problem with the world these days are that people who were well off before are now struggling on the top of the scrapheap. People have to take jobs that they’re unqualified for (and that’s only after begging, pleading). Jensen wanted to build cars when he was younger. Hell, build anything. It was his dream. Now he’s a two bit mechanic with crushed hopes and little going for him. Still, that’s just how things are. Jensen can live with it so long as he has cash, food and clean shelter. But we all have that someone who makes us want more; they tell us never to give up. They make you believe that you can make it, that you can be who you want to be. It’s hard not to fall into their web and suck up every bit of advice they give you. Desperation does that to people. For Jensen, that someone is Chris. His cousin’s convinced that if they do this job, this one single job, they’ll be set for life. He’ll finally be able to pay off some his loans and just stop worrying for once. That sounds good doesn’t it? Financial security, bills paid on time, some extra cash for him to just do whatever he wants with while he sorts his life out. But nothing is ever that easy. 

This job is a lot more complicated than Jensen had initially anticipated and now he’s trapped. According to Chris, it’s simple. They’ve been asked to steal some Padacorp data by a rival firm for a lump sum of $100,000. To Jensen, that’s a lot of money but according to Chris it’s a chump change for Winchester Ltd, the company hiring them to steal the information. And truth be told, Jensen could do with $50,000 right about now. The easiest way to get the data is through Padalecki's son, Chris had said. The kid had been in some kind of accident and had some sort of memory problem. It'd be like stealing candy from a baby, Chris had said. Jensen had forgotten that Chris has no fucking morals. That Chris would laugh at him if he told that he'd looked at Jared and felt some kind of spark, a connection. The kind that lead to messy, fucked up feelings that Jensen couldn't ignore. Of course he'd screwed it all up now. Jared thought he was an insensitive douche.

"Dude," Chris says as he stumbles into the kitchen where Jensen's sitting at the table. "You figured out how you're going to get into that building?" Jensen rolls his eyes as he sips his black coffee. He bites back the urge to tell Chris to fuck off because asking Jensen twenty times a day won't help matters.

“No,” he says gruffly. “Have you?” Chris laughs and the sound grates on Jensen’s nerves and he grips his coffee mug tightly. He’s grown used to keeping his anger in where Chris is concerned. Grown used to ignoring the fact that his cousin isn’t a really good guy. 

“Nope, kiddo,” Chris says as he grabs Jensen’s wallet and takes a couple of bills. “You’re the brains of this outfit. You’re figuring this shit out.” He tosses Jensen’s wallet back onto the table before waltzing out of the room. Jensen puts his mug down and counts to ten. 

\--  
Jensen finds Jared in the library; he’s sitting at a table, flipping through the newspaper carefully. He spends up to five minutes on each page and Jensen’s heart pangs hard in his chest as realises that come tomorrow the kid won’t remember a single word. He tries to imagine what that would feel like but he stops. Just considering it makes him feel like there’s water trapped inside his lungs, like he can’t breathe. It takes him almost an hour to get the guts to go up to the kid, his stomach tingling as he does so.

“Hey,” he says lightly as he sits down across from Jared. Jared looks up and Jensen can see the realisation in Jared’s hazel-green eyes. Followed by fear and then confusing.

“Why you?” he asks softly. “Why is that I remember you?” Jensen freezes, not sure how to answer the question. In that moment, he hates himself. He hates that he’s going to have to hurt this kid badly. Jensen hates that Chris is putting all of this on him. He hates that he still has no plans to call this whole thing off. 

But most of all he hates that he’s sunk this low, that his desperation is this much. In that moment right there he wants to cry.  
“I don’t know,” his voice falters a little before he clears his throat. “I’m sorry.” Padalecki’s eyes darken before he moves back in his seat, eyes narrowed.   
“Don’t,” he says. “I don’t want your sympathy, especially not when I’m always going to remember it.” Jensen knows that he could end this now. He can get up, walk away and jump on a bus and just never come back but he can’t. The pull towards Jared is too strong and fear of what Chris could do to him is too much. 

Jensen’s weak. He’s a coward. 

He offers to buy Jared lunch. He tries to tell himself that it’s not self-loathing he feels when Jared eventually says yes.

\--

"So..." Jared says in his Texan drawl. "Is this a date?" Jensen ignores the dull thud in his chest and gives Jared his most dazzling smile. Jared flushes a little and Jensen knows that it's had the desired effect. He lets Jared sweat a little has he bites into his turkey sub, chewing slowly before he slurps his soda through the straw.   
"I don't know," he says eventually. "Depends on what you want it to be." He's coming on far too strongly, he knows he is. But Jared seems more intrigued than panicked. He stares at Jensen a little has reaches across his forehead to brush errant strands of his unruly mop of hair away from his eyes. Jensen tracks the movement carefully and he can't help but wonder what it'd be like to run his hands through it as he drags Jared in for a messy kiss.   
"I've never really been on a date before," Jared says. "Unless study dates count."   
Jensen finds the embarrassed look on his face so adorable that he can't help clasping hold of Jared's hand. As soon as he feels a rush once their hands connect he freezes. This is not real, he tells himself. It can never be real.   
"You must have at least gone out on one date," his voice is too loud and brash but he continues. "You're pretty hot, dude."  
"I am?" Jared says shyness evident in his tone. "I thought that...that Chad, the guy who...you know. I thought that he liked me." There's no hint of mirth on Jared's face as his eyes cloud over. Chad? Jensen searches his mind as he tries to remember who that is. As it comes to him, he squeezes Jared's hand softly.   
"Chad might not know a good thing when he sees it," Jensen says softly. "But I do." Jared squeezes Jensen's hand back, as he dips his head. His bangs curtaining his face prevent Jensen from seeing his expression but he figures that the kid is just embarrassed.   
"I wish I could remember you say this tomorrow," Jared says in a whisper. "You make me feel different." His head is still bowed down and Jensen is momentarily grateful.

He's not sure if he'll be able to wipe the look of mortification of his face in time.

\--

Three weeks later Jensen finds himself back in the library, watching Jared as he reads the paper. It’s been three weeks of tense, flirtatious looks and shared lunches, but Jared hasn’t told him to go away yet so he stays. He fights valiantly to keep all of the conflicted feelings inside him at bay. Jensen tries to keep his fledging attraction from being obvious. The state that Jared’s in should scare him, it should send him running – relationship wise at least. But he can’t help being drawn to Jared like a moth is to a flame. Jared only remembering half of what he says isn’t as frustrating as it should be. To some extent Jensen finds it kind of endearing. He’s not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

Jared’s halfway through yet another newspaper when he says,

“Are you going to be here tomorrow?” Jensen frowns as he looks up from where he’d been playing Angry Birds absently. Jared looks a little frazzled. 

“Only if you’re here,” he says with a smirk instantly regretting it when Jared’s face falls. “Don’t you write it down in your book?”

“Yeah,” Jared says sadly. “But it’s not the same as just having the impulse to come to the library.” 

“Of course it is.” Jensen replies. “Sure you write it down, but you could easily just buy a paper and read it at home. You’re here aren’t you?” Jared shrugs a little but Jensen can see that he doesn’t agree. There’s still a hint of sadness lingering around the younger man and Jensen bites down the urge to tell him that everything will be okay. Sometimes some things are best left unsaid.

“What were you doing this time last year?” he asks instead and somehow Jared’s face manages to fall even more. 

“I was in class, taking notes that I’d actually remember the next day.” Jared sighs as he closes the newspaper and folds it up. He picks up his bag as he opens his book. Jared’s always forthcoming about what he does remember, he realises. Jensen soaks it all up, remembers every word. 

It’s the perfect way for Jensen to find out Jared’s weakness, the perfect way to gain his trust. 

~*~  
Later that day as Jensen gets back home he’s met with Chris in his room, lounging around on his bed as he flips through one of Jensen’s old car magazines.

“Don’t touch my stuff,” he growls as he snatches it out of Chris’ hands. Chris chuckles dryly as he sits up.

“Well…hello to you too,” he says, ever present smirk on his face. “How’d it go with lover boy?” Jensen stiffens as he turns away from Chris. 

“Don’t call him that,” he says. “And it’s going fine. I think he’s starting to trust me.”

“What are the chances,” Chris muses. “The kid’s got fucking amnesia and yet he somehow remembers you. It’s gotta be the work of the Gods”

“More like the devil,” Jensen mutters as he leaves his room. He needs a fucking beer. 

\--

The plan is simple really - persuade Jared to allow him into the building somehow. Jensen’s not sure if he can bring himself to do the former. Involving Jared’s father is just asking for trouble. Not that he says that to Chris when he tells Jensen all of this. Lately he can’t even look at his cousin anymore. He can’t stomach any of this and he’s scared that he’s going to break down and ruin the entire plan. He’s supposed to befriend Jared, seduce him if necessary. It should terrify him but it doesn’t. It doesn’t because Jensen wants to do it. He wants it to be real; he doesn’t want this feeling of wrong hovering over him. But he has no choice.

“What’s on your mind?” Jared says as he licks at his ice cream. The library visits had turned into trips to the park instead. Jensen thinks about coming clean. Jared doesn’t remember half of what he says anyway; maybe…maybe he can just offload this once.

“Just thinking about how much I…” he pauses as he looks into Jared’s eyes. “How much I want to kiss you.” He mentally slaps himself for saying it the second that the words leave his mouth. But he doesn’t regret saying it, because it’s true. And to make everything worse Jared blushes.   
“Really?” he asks with a shy smile. But it dims after a few seconds. Like a faltering light bulb the light on his face just evaporates slowly. “I’ve never really had a boyfriend before. Didn’t even realise that I was into guys until last year. I thought that Chad…I…well, I guess it doesn’t matter.”  
“We don’t have to rush into anything,” Jensen says without thinking. Shut up, he says to himself. Stop talking. 

“You deserve better,” Jared replies. “Sometimes I think about taking those pills that I have. Taking all of them so I don’t have to keep on waking up to…my miserable existence.”

“Dude, what the fuck?” Jensen’s angry. His heart’s pounding as he considers the thought of Jared harming himself like that. He hates that Jared’s chosen him to confide in. Especially when he’s already betraying Jared. He’s already untrustworthy.

“I just needed to tell someone,” Jared says. “It’s on the back page of my notebook. A constant reminder that I could just end everything.”  
“You can’t do that Jared,” Jensen says softly, trying to keep his emotions out of his voice. “It’s not fair to your family. Your friends. They care about you!”

“What about you?” Jared asks just as quietly. “Do you care?”

“More than you know,” Jensen replies as he leans forward and captures Jared’s mouth. Their lips move in tandem as they kiss each other almost desperately. Jensen tries to convey everything he’s feeling as his fingers reach for Jared’s shirt and he grips the fabric tightly. As they pull part, Jensen whispers gentle words against Jared’s lips.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

It’s then that Jensen realises that he can’t pretend that he’s not in too deep anymore.


	3. Chapter 3

  


  
  


  
  
Jared’s at his class one day, scribbling into his notebook furiously when his cell goes off. It’s on vibrate so it doesn’t disturb the teacher and he quietly slips out of the room. He frowns when he sees that it’s a blocked number. Just as he answers the line goes dead and Jared huffs out a frustrated breath. Stupid spam callers, he thinks as he moves back to enter the room. He pauses has he’s about to open the door; he’s got an awful headache. Breaking his routine won’t end well but he figures that he can live with it. As he’s leaving his cell goes off again.  
  
“Hello?” he says, answering it on the second ring. There’s a static noise on the line that causes Jared to wince. “Is anyone there?” He’s met with the same noise and no answer and he huffs as he ends the call.  
  
He shrugs it off and starts to walk in the direction of his apartment. It’s only a twenty minute journey and he breathes a sigh of relief when his building comes into view. He’s so focused on getting in that he misses the man emerging from the building as he gets to the door.  
  
“You mind watching where you’re going?” The man says and Jared recoils slightly, trying to place the man’s face.  
  
“Sorry,” he says sincerely. “Do you live here?” The man gives him a weird look, like Jared’s a nuisance to him but he nods before pushing past him.  
  
\--  
  
  
“So how are things with that Jensen guy?” Jesse asks the same night as they’re having dinner together. Jared shrugs as he tries to hide a smile. His doctor’s warned him against getting too attached but he doesn’t care.  
  
“They’re okay.” He tries to downplay it, not wanting to have anything tarnish the happy new feeling of whatever it is that he and Jensen have. He can mostly remember tight embraces and stolen, heated kisses but it’s the way that it makes him  _feel_  that he cherishes the most.  
  
“Did you manage to call your bank manager today?” It’s a simple question that Jared doesn’t think twice about asking. In fact he’s busily eating forkfuls of pasta when he notices the strange look on Jesse’s face.  
  
“I haven’t mentioned that today…” Jesse trails off as a look of uncertainty appears on his face. Jared frowns because.. that’s  _absurd_. Jesse must have mentioned something otherwise…Jared wouldn’t remember it. No. No.  
  
“This is amazing!” Jesse says excitedly. “The doctors said that you might recover one day didn’t they?” Jared frowns again because his doctors had also told him not to get his hopes up. And he listened to them. Better to resign himself now rather than having his hopes crushed times and time again.  
  
But then there's Jensen. And now this is happening. He can’t stop hope from springing up and twining around his heart.  
  
“Hey, does this guy with short brown hair, blue eyes…medium height happen to live in this building?” he asks.  
  
“Uh, sounds like Jason. He has the apartment across from mine,” Jesse replies. “You remember him?”  
  
“How long has he been living here?” Jared says in surprise because he didn’t even realise that he had another neighbour. He knew vaguely but as far as remembering things, it was an insignificant detail.  
  
“A couple of years, way before you moved in here, he’s the one your parents are paying to spy on you?” Jared’s head snaps up at that, his eyes narrowed as he regards Jesse carefully. As far as he knows, Jesse’s the one who tells his Dad whatever the hell he tells him. It’s there in his book! So…it has to be true.  
  
“Really?” he can’t help asking, even as an annoyed look springs on Jesse’s face. He can tell that they’ve probably had this conversations several times and he hates the way that it probably weighs down on his friend. Jared regrets asking, he should know better by now. But of course that’s how this stupid condition of his works. It stops him from knowing better.  
  
“Yeah,” Jesse says and he sounds more resigned than upset. “He’s a bit shady though, keeps to himself most of the time. I don’t know what he even tells your parents each week.”  
  
“My dad must have asked you at one point though,” Jared says because he knows his father.  
“He did,” Jesse confirms. “But I had the decency to turn him down.”  
  
Jared doesn’t say much after that.  
  
\--  
  
He’s at work when his cell buzzes with a text from Jensen. He’s downstairs and outside apparently and Padacorp HQ is a pretty huge building. Jared doesn’t really want to go down until he’s leaving and he doesn’t want to let Jensen wait outside until he’s done. Plus he’s sure that he’s not really supposed to allow anyone up here. But…he doesn’t want to give Jensen an excuse to leave so he calls him and gives him directions to the side entrance that has a direct elevator that leads to his Dad’s office. He’s just start vacuum cleaning his father’s plush carpet when he feels something on his shoulder and jumps back and the vacuum tube pops up and smacks him on the eye.  
  
“Shit,” he murmurs as he reaches down to turn the machine off. “God, you scared the crap out of me.” He turns to look at Jensen who has a weird expression on his face. He seems to catch himself because he shakes his head gently and blinks,  
  
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I didn’t realise that you hadn’t heard me.” There’s a stiffness to his words that unnerves Jared but he shrugs it off. He has more pressing things to worry about. Like the fact that his eye is stinging like a bitch. He casts his mind back as he tries to remember where the first aid box but he can’t remember.  
  
“Uh, stay here,” he says to Jensen. “I’m gonna go look for an ice pack.” Jensen nods distractedly and Jared barely notices, the sharp pain of his eye remains at the forefront of his mind. He walks down the familiar hallway, heading towards the small kitchenette at the end. His dad pretty much as this whole floor to himself and he spent enough time as kid mapping out the entire place. For a brief moment his face flames as he wonders how he’d managed to go from being on course to getting a college degree to cleaning for his own father like some low life bum with no prospects. Jared can’t believe that he’d even invited Jensen up here without thinking about it.  
  
Once he gets back into the office, Jensen’s spinning around in his father’s computer chair nonchalantly. Jared frowns because not even he sits in that thing.  
  
“Is there CCTV in here?” Jensen asks suddenly, cutting into Jared’s inner reverie. Jared shakes his head slowly.  
  
“Uh…could you maybe not sit there?” he says nervously. “I’ll just pack this up and then we can go.” He’s not even halfway through all of the things on the list but he can’t stand the embarrassment. And hey, it’s not like he’ll remember any of it tomorrow if his Dad is pissed.  
  
\--  
  
“So, I remembered something you said?” Jared says in response to Jesse from where he’s tucked up into Jensen’s side on his couch. Jesse scrutinises them for a few seconds before he answers and Jared can’t help sighing to himself. It’s there in his book on the pages of the last few weeks. Jesse doesn’t trust Jensen. Not that he particularly needs the book. This is one of the things that he doesn’t just have a vestige of. He can sense the distrust; he can see it in Jesse’s eyes.  
  
  
“Yeah,” Jesse says. “You did.” Jared frowns at his clipped tone but he sees that Jesse’s gaze is firmly planted on Jensen and he exhales deeply. He untangles himself from Jensen slowly,  
  
“I’m a little tired,” he says as he gives Jensen a pointedly look. Jensen seems to pick up on the weird tension in the room and he sits up speedily as he grabs his jacket.  
  
“I should probably head off now anyway,” he replies with a dim smile. “Got a job interview in the morning.”  
  
“Good luck,” Jared tells him as he leaves. He turns to glare at Jesse when the door slams shut. He doesn’t really know what Jesse’s problem with Jensen is; he’s apparently never bothered to catalogue it either. It doesn’t surprise him in the slightest.  
  
“What the fuck was that?” he almost growls as Jesse stares back at him, his gaze unwavering.  
  
“You can’t just say stuff like that in front of anybody!”  
  
“He’s not anybody…he’s…” Jared trails off, unable to put what he says in words. Jesse snorts,  
“You can’t even say it yourself,” he shakes his head. “You can’t trust him.”  
  
“Yeah well, you don’t get to tell me who I can have in my life, Jesse. It’s not your call,” Jared spits out angrily. “And it will never be your call. You got that?”  
  
“I’m just trying to help you,” Jesse says, his tone gentler than it was before. “I’ve met people like that before. They don’t care about your problems, just you and only you. Next thing you know they’re using everything you’ve told them against you.”  
  
“Is that what happened to you?” Jared can’t help asking. He’s not sure if he’s asked before, not sure if Jesse’s answered but right now he needs an answer. He needs to know that this is his friend looking out for him. He _needs_  to know that someone trusts him.  
  
“It doesn’t matter what happened to me,” is all Jesse says. Jared’s heart sinks.

 

  
  
  
It’s easier than it should have been. Yet it’s the hardest thing he’s ever done. Chris hands him the flash drive one evening and says,  
  
“All you gotta do is get the kid to let you up. Plug this into the computer in his father’s office and run the .exe file.” Jensen frowns because it seems simple enough. Too simple for $100,000.  
  
“You sure?” he asks and Chris scoffs at him.  
  
“It won’t take you more than five minutes,” he says. “You want the cash don’t you?” And true enough, it doesn’t take him five minutes. Jared lets him up when he calls and Jensen purposely sneaks up on him. He doesn’t mean for Jared to injure himself but it works in his favour. Within the seven minutes it takes Jared to go out and get an ice pack, Jensen’s run the file.  
  
It’s just too easy. Which is why he’s not surprised to find Chris waiting for him when he comes back from his job interview. It’s been two weeks since he stole the information from Jared’s dad’s computer. Two weeks of trying his hardest to hide the guilt that he feels inside. The interview today was supposed to change all that, it was supposed to get him back on track. But he stuffed up the interview, he knows he did. And he can’t help thinking about the $50,000 in the safety deposit back burning a hole under the floorboard where he’d stashed it.  
  
“What is it?” he asks Chris as he slumps down onto the couch. “Do we have to give the money back?” Chris gives him a shrewd look and Jensen fights the urge to go and sit somewhere else. He hasn’t told Chris about how close he is with Jared. He’s never explained that they’re sort of…dating. Jensen doesn’t want Chris to use it against him, or use it against Jared. But Chris has always been good at reading him.  
  
“The data we stole was a bust,” his cousin says and Jensen rankles at his use of “we”. “They can’t use it to get what they want.” Jensen waits for Chris to continue but he doesn’t and he shrugs. That’s not his problem; he did what they asked him to do. End of story.  
  
“They’ve offered us another job,” Chris says strongly and Jensen can tell that his cousin’s emphasis on offered means that he’s already accepted the job. He’s shaking his head before he even realises it.  
  
“No way,” he replies. “I’m not getting my hands dirty again.” Chris laughs at him as he moves to stand up, towering over Jensen has he does. His cousin has an almost feral look in his eyes and Jensen feels a chill seeping down his bones. He inches backwards subconsciously. He’s bigger than his cousin is in stature but, he knows what Chris is capable of. He’s seen it first-hand.  
  
“I still have a flash drive with your prints all over it dumbass,” He smirks coldly. “So don’t think that you have a choice in this. Unless of course your choice is prison.” Jensen swallows hard as he looks away from Chris. Dread creeping up inside of him.  
  
“What do we have to do this time?” he asks.  
  
“We gotta kidnap the kid,” Chris says.  
  
Jensen’s heart stops.  
  
\--  
  
“How much do you owe?” Jensen asks calmly the next morning as he and Chris are eating breakfast. He’d been up all night playing Chris’ words over and over in his head. Kidnap Jared? It was an absurd plan that would land both of them in jail. Or dead. Padalecki Senior was a man with a lot of power; God knows what he’d throw their way if they caught. Plus the plan had more holes in it than a golf course. So he’d pushed all of it out of his head and decided that he’d have a rational discussion with Chris about it come morning.  
  
“None of your damn business,” Chris growls.  
  
“Look...your parents have money, why don’t you just ask them. Or _I’ll_  ask,” Jensen says. “That  
can’t be any worse than us kidnapping the son of one of the richest men in Texas.”  
  
“But we wouldn’t be the ones kidnapping him! That company would!” Jensen pinches the bridge of his nose as he tries to maintain his composure. He can’t help wishing that he’d never agreed to move up and live with his stupid cousin. Living with his parents would have been better than moving in with a life of crime.  
  
“No we would,” he says through gritted teeth. “If the cops caught wind of this, that company as you so eloquently put it would throw us under the fucking bus!”  
  
“Yeah, well I owe $500,000,” Chris yells, “So unless you just happen to have it lying around, I have no choice.”  
  
“What the fuck man, how did you even end up owing that much?” Jensen says in disbelief.  
  
“I made some bad investments with the wrong people.”  
  
“You mean you got drunk and lost it all playing craps with your loser buddies!”  
  
“I don’t need you to fucking lecture me Jensen, I just need your help. Just this once man,” he pauses. “I mean it, and it’s not like you don’t need the money!”  
“I don’t!” Jensen insists. “The fifty grand I have now is more than enough to pay off  _my_  debts Chris so no I don’t need it.”  
“But you like the kid, don’t you,” Chris says snidely. “I won’t think twice about hurting him. Maybe you should think about that.”  
  
\--  
  
In the end he packs a bag. He waits until Chris is asleep and then he sneaks out and makes his way to the bus station. It’s a bus ride away and with his luck, he has to wait an hour for the bus. There’s every chance that Chris could still do this without him. And there’s every chance that Chris will still hurt Jared. But Jensen doesn’t owe anyone anything. He barely even knows Jared. Maybe it’s just not worth him ending up in jail. He’s got his money, he can just put the last few months behind him. Start afresh.  
  
No, you can’t. The treacherous voice inside his head sounds out his own doubts, his misgivings. The things that he doesn’t want to say to himself.  
  
He misses his bus.  
  
  
\--  
  
Jensen is startled awake by a hand on his shoulder and the first thing he registers is how much his muscles ache. So much for trying to get some decent shut eye. The second thing he registers is a pair of blue eyes staring back at him. Jensen sits up so quickly that he’s momentarily dizzy. It’s Jared’s friend Jesse and he rubs the back of his neck nervously as he hangs his head low. He’s overcome with a sudden rush of embarrassment at being seen like this. He can’t help wondering why he can’t just seem to catch a break.  
  
“You look like you could do with someone to talk to.” Jensen nods gently as he stands up and follows the man.  
  
They end up back at Jesse’s apartment and Jensen can’t help the lingering glance he gives Jared’s door. Jesse shoots him a sympathetic smile. His apartment is a lot less tidy than Jared’s he notes. Yet his furniture looks expensive and it’s obviously been decorated professionally. The walls are a soft shade of blue, and his armchairs and couch are a complementary navy blue. There are sheets of paper spread liberally over the red oak coffee table that Jesse places Jensen’s bag on top and Jensen scans them briefly. Before he can really read anything, Jesse motions for him to sit down and he does so. There’s a picture of Jesse and Jared up on the mantel and Jensen can’t help looking at.  
  
“He has nightmares sometimes so we probably shouldn’t disturb him,” Jesse says taking Jensen’s interest for more than what it is. “He’s been asleep for a couple of hours.” Jensen doesn’t ask Jesse how he knows this but he’s curious. He’s asked Jared about him before but Jared either says that he doesn’t remember or he says that Jesse hasn’t told him. Jensen’s never sure which one to believe. He knows that Jesse’s going to have questions, and he knows that he can’t tell him what’s really going on. So he starts with where the real problem lies.  
  
Chris.  
  
“I have this cousin,” he says casually, like they’re just discussing the weather or something as equally mundane. “He helped me out once and I feel like I’ve been paying for it ever since. It’s like he has some sort of hold over me. He asks for money I don’t have and it some cases – he just takes it. He convinced me to move down here with him and I stupidly agreed. Unsurprisingly he’s been really unwelcoming ever since.”  
  
“Sounds tough,” Jesse says shortly and Jensen replays his words in his head and wonders if he sounds too childish, wonders if he ought to just suck it up. “He shouldn’t treat you like that. What exactly did your cousin do for you?”  
  
“I had this guy on my case when I came out in college - some nasty bully. Chris got him to lay off me. I don’t know how but he did. I was so grateful,” Jensen says and he grimaces at the wondrous tone in his voice. “Still am…but at what point is he going to stop asking for me to pay him back?” He doesn’t feel like a weight’s been lifted off his chest as he talks to Jesse, if anything it feels like mores been put on. Jensen feels like he’s three seconds away from just crashing. Oddly enough, he can’t help thinking about Jared. He’s so wrong for the younger man that it’s just hurts. How is Jared supposed to get better when he’s surrounded by an emotional wreck?  
  
“You know, when I found out that Jared could remember you the way he sort of knew who I was, I got jealous,” Jesse says. “He remembers you more than he does me.” Jensen can’t help the trepidation that he feels. What if Jesse only brought him back here to threaten him? To tell him to leave Jared alone.  
  
“Oh?” Jensen replies, hating how stupid he sounds. He doesn’t know why Jesse let him into his apartment, or why Jesse’s here talking to him. Up until now he was sure that the man hated him.  
  
“Yeah,” Jesse says. “But I got over it when I saw how happy you made him. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t approve of your relationship a—“  
  
“You don’t?” Jensen can’t help sounding defensive here. Not when right now this thing that he has with Jared is all that matters to him anymore. Jesse shrugs easily,  
  
“No, I think he’s too vulnerable right now,” he replies. “But you’re his first love and all that, who knows if you’ll even be here in a year.” That doesn’t sit well with Jensen at all. He knows that Jared’s vulnerable and…part of him agrees with Jesse in this case. Yet he can’t help trying to prove otherwise.  
  
“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence,” Jensen snaps angrily. “You don’t know the first thing about me and Jared.” There’s a strange spark in Jesse’s eyes as he watches Jensen silently and Jensen starts to think that maybe he’s gone too far. He should never have come back here. He should have just gotten on that fucking bus and ran like the coward he is.  
  
“You’re right,” Jesse agrees. “But I do know that you care about him enough not to leave. I had your cousin – Chris – investigated and he’s in some seriously deep shit. I look at you and I wonder how the hell you’re involved. “He pauses but Jensen’s frozen rigid to the point where he couldn’t even speak if he wanted to.  
  
“All I see is a kid who’s in way over his head,” Jesse continues. “And I want to help. I was where you are once. Mixed in with the wrong people, made some bad choices but I got out.” Jensen bites back the question that he wants to ask as he nods slowly.  
  
“Thank you,” he says softly.  
  
“I’m not doing it for you,” Jesse says gruffly. “I’m doing it for Jared. There’s a chance that he could recover fully and…I won’t let anyone screw that up.”  
  
“Why?” Jensen asks desperately. “Why is it so important to you?” There’s something off about this, Jensen thinks after Jesse brushes him off with some meaningless answer.  
  
He wonders if it’s a coincidence that Jesse found him sleeping on that park bench, or if the man had been watching him.  
  
~*~


	4. Chapter 4

   

Jared’s having dinner with his parents, like he does every Monday evening. He doesn't need to retain his memories to know that it’s always an awkward, tense affair. His dad will say spiteful, hurtful things while his mother knocks back her wine like it’s water. It’s hard for him to remember that this time last year they were proud of him. Now they’re disappointed and ashamed of him, and he wishes that he didn't know this. That he could just forget these feelings.

“I was thinking that maybe I could do something else around the office,” he says conversationally when the silence starts to overwhelm him. “You spend so little time in your office that there’s pretty much nothing to clean.” His father clears his throat uncomfortably as he puts his cutlery down. He watches as his parents share a glance. Jared can tell what the answer will be as his father turns back to look at him, with a wary expression on his face.

“Maybe we can talk about this when you've done more of the classes,” his dad says. Jared feels himself tense up as he narrows his eyes. He’s gone from being an overachiever in life to being treated like he’s too stupid to function at all. He’s tired of his parents treating him like he’s a fucking _child_. There’s a long silence as his parents watch him and Jared doesn’t do anything to break it. He’s too busy struggling with the need to come clean. To tell his parents that he remembers the accident. It’s the pitying look that his mother gives him that gives him the final push that he needs.

“I remember the accident,” he says quietly. “I remember driving the car and feel dizzy. I lost concentration for a few seconds but it was too late I couldn't steer the car out of the way.”

“Jared—“

“I can still remember Sandy screaming, her cries as they got to work on her leg. I remember them cutting me out. Fuck, I even remember the semi-conscious ride in the back of the ambulance.” If anything Jared feels worse now that he’s told the truth, but…at this point, they can’t be any more disappointed in him than they are now. Not that he cares at this moment; he just wants to get his father to understand that past his classes and Jensen, he’s stuck with those fucking memories replaying over and over.  It’s like some sort of curse and he’s desperately seeking a way to just _bury_ it as much as he can. The pungent smell of Windex isn't exactly helping him in any way. Jared looks around at his parent’s lavish dining room, looks down at the paris solid oak, the fancy upholstered chairs. He sees the gaudy but expensive frames that are placed on the wall, the unique china vase at the centre of the table. It’s just a selection the random, priceless items that his parents have amassed and it makes him realise something. His parents only care about how they all look on the surface. They don’t want to know about his inner turmoil, god forbid that he bring any more shame on the family.

His parents are only interested in making sure that no one looks down on them and their fucking wealth, that their image isn't tarnished. They won’t relent over the job situation; he doesn’t need the last three months of memories to know this. It’s something that he’s known all along. But he’s never been desperate enough to use it against them.

“You know, I’m sure that reporter who keeps on hassling me would love to  know what I’ve finally remembered,” he tries not to react to his mother’s sharp intake of breath. He schools his face into an impassive expression as he looks up and meets his father’s steely glare. There’s no actual reporter – that he remembers anyway – but his father doesn’t need to know that.

“You wouldn't ” his father says. “ You'd never given us any trouble before you met that Chad, I see no reason to believe that you’d bring and shame and dishonour onto this family.”

“It’s not like I’d remember it come tomorrow or whenever I decide to do it, “Jared says with a shrug. “All I need to do is put the time down in my book.” His father chuckles then, but it’s not humorous. Jared imagines that it’s something his business counterparts hear all the time. He opens his mouth respond just as the old grandfather clock at the end of the room chimes. Jared can see the exact moment that his dad’s face morphs into a concerned and distracted expression. He scoffs to himself because he knows that look – conference call time. 

“Fine,” Dad says as he stands up from the table, chair legs scraping across the hardwood floor. “Program this into your iPad thing – my office at 2pm tomorrow.” Jared’s too surprised to really do anything but look across at his mother who looks equally as surprised as he does. His father sighs impatiently as he waits for Jared to do something but Jared’s still kind of stumped. In the end his mom says that she’ll remind him to write it down before he leaves.

“Hey, dad?” Jared calls just as his father reaches the doorway. “Thanks.” All he gets in response is a curt nod.

 ---

Once he gets home, he sits down at his computer and boots it up as he flips through his class note from the morning. The doctor had called him back after the class had ended. She’d told him that he’d been making significant progress; so much so that she felt that they could probably try something else to aid him with his memory. Jared had been expecting her to give him some sort of brain puzzle to do so he’d been wary at first. His mother had already addled him with different versions of Brain Age, which apparently frustrated him so much that he could still recall playing them. However, she’d suggested that he start up a blog where he’d spend at least half an hour each day writing down everything he could remember about his day. Back then in the classroom, it’d sounded like a great idea. Somewhere he could write everything and then go back to it whenever he wanted, something that wasn’t his messy scrawls in his notebook.

Yet as he sits here now; he can see the downside. He can only really remember the conversation at dinner with his parents and brief snatches of over things that have happened.  Jared shrugs up his uncertainty and starts writing, his keys initially flying away at the keyboard as he catalogues not only what happened, but his feelings as well. Eventually the words peter out and he comes to an impasse. With a heavy sigh, he saves what he’s written and shuts down his computer.

It’s not like any of it will matter come tomorrow.

\--

Jensen’s distant during their next lunch and it makes Jared feel a little antsy. He wonders if it was something he did or said. But he’s too afraid to ask because he’s not sure how much help he’d actually be. It’s kind of hard to be compassionate and understanding when your mind is one huge black hole seventy percent of the time.  Plus there’s the fact that Jared’s kind of excited about the meeting with his Dad later on. He’s not stupid, he knows that it’ll probably be another mundane task but anything is a step up from cleaning.

“You okay?” he asks Jensen eventually when the silence starts to screw around with his head a little.

“What?” Jensen seems disorientated for a few seconds before he shakes himself visibly and gives Jared a weak smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just…I…I had an argument with my cousin and it upset me a little. It’s nothing important.” Right, Jared thinks to himself. More like it’s not worth telling someone who doesn’t remember enough details to comprehend it. But it’s not like what he and Jensen have is really a relationship. He’s sure that he’d remember them discussing what they are, or he’d write down every word. There’s nothing in his book, just some clear memories of their heated make out sessions and some fuzzier ones of other things they end up doing.

He should be grateful that he remembers anything at all. Yet, it doesn’t feel as amazing as it should do because he hates that he’s missing some things. Jared can’t even begin to imagine what Jensen must feel like, having his sort-of-but-maybe-not-really boyfriend only remember half of what they do and talk about. Jared’s sure that _he’d_ hate it.

“Did I forget something important?” he asks as he starts to chew at his bottom lip nervously. Jensen seems to have drifted off again because he looks up with a blank expression on his face. Realisation dawns seconds later and all too quickly Jensen’s shaking his head vigorously,

“Not at—“He pauses when Jared’s shoulders slump. “It’s not you, I promise. I just…have a lot on my mind at the moment. In fact…I have to go.” Before Jared knows what’s happening, Jensen’s pushing his chair back and throwing some stray bills onto the table. He leans down and presses a quick kiss onto Jared’s mouth, a barely there brush of lips and he’s through the door of the diner in a flash. Jared’s all too familiar with the pain spreading through his chest, the ache of rejection. He pretends not to notice the tear rolling down his cheek.

\---

His dad’s “job” for him is basically word processing. He hands Jared a stack of papers covered in his hand writing and instructs him to type it all up. Jared’s all set to complain a little, but his father is too distracted and rushes off to some important meeting. Before he leaves he says,

“Nothing you see on those pages should leave this office okay?” Jared nods. He’s sure that it’s just confidential information and not anything…dodgy. “When you’re done make sure you shut the computer down, you can’t trust anyone these days.” Jared shrugs because it’s not a difficult task. He’d rather be doing something else, but at least he doesn’t have to wipe down the windows anymore. He picks a playlist on his iPod and shoves his earphones into his ears.

 

 

 

   

 

 

Jensen hates Jesse’s plan. That’s what it all boils down to as he sits in his room back at Chris’ apartment half paying attention to some DVD that’s playing. He’d told Jensen not to worry about the ‘kidnap thing’, that he’d sort it out. Which would have been okay, but Jesse hadn’t stopped there and now Jensen was conflicted. He knew things now that he didn’t want to know. He’d sold out his own cousin and was basically lying to Jared by omission. With friends like him _and_ Jesse, Jared didn’t need enemies.

 “ _You can’t tell him.”_ Jesse had made his stance clear and Jensen had no choice but to comply. But the whole thing made him sick. Oh how he wished that he’d never moved down here be—

“—Hey, Jensen?” Chris’ voice cuts into his inner turmoil and Jensen tenses up as he looks up to see his cousin standing in the door way. Guilt floods Jensen almost instantly but he pushes it down as he looks up to glare at Chris.

“What,” he says shortly.

“Look…I get that this isn’t easy for you and…I spoke to the guys,” Chris replies. “You don’t have to do this job with us.” Chris rubs his ear absently and Jensen knows he’s lying.

“Yeah?” he says. “What’s changed? That company managed to retrieve the date after all?” Chris looks surprised for a moment before his face clears up.

“Turns out that the program you put on Padalecki’s computer only works when it’s online. Last time it wasn’t on for long enough after you installed the program,” he replies, a smirk teasing the corner of his mouth. “But I just got the call, they have some data.” Jensen doesn’t understand why Chris is so pleased about this, they’ve already been paid.

“So…you’re not going to kidnap Jared?” and Jensen can’t believe that he’s even asking this.

“Not what I said,” Chris says. “I need more cash, you know that. And I learned the hard way that it’s every man for himself. All the data that Winchester’s getting is also being downloaded onto my computer. Easy blackmail material, my son.”

“You’re insane,” Jensen says in response. “Do you want to end up in jail, is that it? Is that why you’re screwing around with people with more power and wealth than you have? Even if this works, there are _other_ people watching these two companies. You really think that you’ll evade their radar?”

“I don’t give a shit about whatever bitch war they’ve got, I’m all about the money. Padalecki is a giant fraudster anyway, I doubt he’d involve the cops,” Chris replies. Jensen’s blood goes cold. Before he knows what he’s doing he’s up and heading towards the loose floorboards. He pulls them up and drags up the box with the money in it. Jensen might not like the person Chris is now but, he can’t just stand by and let this happen. “Here,” he motions to the box. “Take this. And go somewhere else. Leave the state, the country. Go into hiding.” Chris doesn’t say anything at first, just looks at Jensen. His eyes are steely and unwavering and Jensen stares right back. The tension in the room is palpable and Jensen wishes he had a pause button so he can take a second and fucking _breathe_. “There’s nowhere for me to run,” Chris says quietly. “This is my last chance to pay these mooks off.”

“Yeah, well. You’re playing with fire. And I’m not going to let you drag Jared into this,” Jensen says.

“I’m afraid, you’re too late,” Chris replies. “It’s happening tonight.” Only then does Jensen spy a glint coming off something encased in Chris’ hands. A pair of steel handcuffs. Fuck.

“There has to be another way,” Jensen starts to plead, hating that he’s backed a corner. “I’m begging you Chris, don’t do this.” Chris doesn’t even blink as he approaches Jensen; he reaches for something in his back pocket. Jensen’s eyes widen as he sees what it is.

It’s a fucking Beretta.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Jared’s just saved the document and shoved the papers into his bag when he hears a door slam. He frowns because Susie – the PA – left an hour ago and he’s supposedly the only one up here. Without really thinking, he pulls his flash drive out of the socket and quickly powers down the computer. He reaches for his keys which are usually in his inner pocket and frowns when he comes up empty handed. Before he can search his bag thoroughly he’s distracted by the thud of heavy footsteps just outside the office door. Panic floods Jared’s system and he grabs the heaviest object within his reach, some giant hole puncher that usually sits at the far end of his father’s desk. He inches forward carefully when the footsteps come to a halt. He turns so that his back is pressed against the wall by the door. His heart stops as he waits for something to happen.

There’s more than one of them, and he’s been ridden of the hole punch before he even gets a chance to use it. They shove a hood down on his head and shove and push him down what Jared thinks is the hallway.

“What’s happening?” he asks as he hears the ping of the elevator. “What do you want from me?” There’s no answer, just hushed voices and a loud ripping sound. Something’s pressed against his mouth and he realises that what he heard was duct tape being torn. There’s a stark silence as they travel down the building, one of the guys is gripping Jared’s arm tightly. He makes a valiant attempt to free it but the guy elbows him _hard_ in the stomach and Jared’s winded for an instant. Soon the elevator pings again and he’s pushed out forcefully and dragged to what he assumes to be outside. A door slams – or opens – Jared can’t be sure. Though, it’s confirmed for him when he’s thrown onto a hard surface. Someone grabs his hands and he feels something thick being placed over his wrists. It’s rope, he realises. _Rope_. Is he seriously being kidnapped right now? He can hear the deep breathing of one of his captors and he tries to plead for his release. What comes out is just a bunch of muffled noises and Jared groans in frustration.

“Just cooperate and you’ll be back home before you know it,” a voice to his left says and Jared can’t help turning. His vision is still pitch black. “You better hope that your rich daddy ain’t too mean with his money.” He feels rather than hears the man moving away and he jumps when the doors slam shut. Seconds later, the engine kicks into life and they start to move. The nausea hits Jared in waves and he prays that he doesn’t throw up. 

Jensen’s pissed. He’s angry at himself. Angry at Chris, angry at Jesse hell he’s angry at fucking _everybody_. He swears under his breath as he continues to use the loose nail he’d found on the floor to pick the cuffs that Chris had placed on his wrists. He’d fucking chained Jensen to one of the pipes around the outskirts of his bedroom. He’d then had the fucking nerve to _apologise_. The first thing Jensen was going to when he saw Chris again, was punch him in the face. After that, depending on Jared’s condition – he’d decide if he’d go as far as to kill his fucking cousin. It’d been about an hour since Chris had left. The sound of the key in the lock had just signalled Jensen’s doom. They were going to get Jared and it was all his fault. Why the hell hadn’t he gone to the police? Why had he trusted Jesse? He could ask himself as many questions as he liked but it wouldn’t get him out of his predicament. No, he had to focus on getting the cuffs off and finding a damn phone. Chris had been smart enough to strip him of his cell and any other electronic device in the room. Ironically, his overturned deposit box still lay on the floor from where it’d landed during their tussle. Chris had eventually overpowered him – but only because _Jensen didn’t really want to get shot –_ and it’s fallen. The cash was now scattered all across the floor and Jensen had been staring at it as he sat on the floor, confined to a corner of what was supposed to be his refuge. He wondered for the millionth time just how it was that he’d gotten himself into this mess.

-~-

_“We stole data from Padacorp," It felt good to come clean at last. The voice in his head was screaming betrayer, but Jensen needed to get this off his chest._

_"What kind of data?" Jesse asks and there's something cold and detached about his voice. Almost as if he interrogates people on a daily basis_

_Jensen frowns as Jesse reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a small notebook followed by a pen. Jensen stares at him as he flips it open and writes down a few words. "What...what are you doing?" Jensen asks and Jesse gives him a strange look. He seems to come to some sort of decision because he sighs._

_"I work for the DoJ," he admits and Jensen can't help gaping at him. The Department of Justice? What the hell? "Not properly, but I have a friend who does and I help him out with undercover stuff." Jensen can't really process anything past the fact that this is supposed to be Jared's friend. But he's been lying to Jared all along. It's perfect really, with Jared's mind the way it is Jesse can easily hide in plain sight. Just thinking about it makes Jensen so mad that he jumps up from where he's sitting. As he starts to pace Jesse clears his throat._

_"Look I---"_

_"I thought you were some football player with a bad knee." Jensen interrupts him. "All of that, was any of it true? Do you know how much he looks up to you?"_

_"I could say the same about you," Jesse replies calmly. "And yes, that's true. But life goes on and I've moved on. I genuinely like Jared and once I found out that he didn't know anything, I felt bad."_

_"Know anything about what?"_

_"His father is being investigated for fraud," Jesse explains. "I was sent here to see if Jared knew anything. Directly or indirectly." Jensen doesn't really know what to say to that so he waves his hand in Jesse's direction as if to say "Go on.”_

_"He doesn't obviously," Jesse says. "But I've been stalling. I like him - as a friend. The information I have could ruin that." Jensen's anger melts away slowly as he listens to Jesse. How can he be angry when he is guilty of doing practically the same thing? The worst scenario for Jensen is Jared ever finding out but...he can't help remembering Jesse's malice towards him when he'd first started hanging out with Jared. The question was why, was he really wary of Jensen and the effect he had on Jared. Or had it always been suspicion?_

_"There are other ways for him to be involved even if he's maybe not aware, that was the whole point of this. We don't expect the kid to know everything that his old man is up to but data could be stored on his computer."_

_"And what about this company that's after the data?"_

_"Dude, I don't know but leave it to me. If your cousin asks you to do anything else, let me know."_

\------

As he continued to try and free himself, the door burst open, revealing Jesse. Jensen’s annoyance at his predicament increased further.

“Nice of you to show up, jackass,” he griped as Jesse made his way over to the corner Chris had left him in. “Where’s Jared? Is he okay? Chris said that—“

“They’ve got him.” Jensen feels his heart beat literally increase right there and then. This is all his fault, if it wasn't for him Jared wouldn't be in this mess. If he hadn't done Chris' bidding, he wouldn't be in this mess.

"We have to call the police," Jensen says. "God, I should have gone to the first place. And you? You're not even real law enforcement!" He starts to struggle with the cuffs again, not caring that they're cutting into his skin. He's not even sure what he's going to do. Turn himself in, call the cops or go after Chris.

"Can you get these off me?" he snaps and Jesse apologizes softly before he leaves the room. He returns a few minutes later with wire cutters.

“Look Jensen, I’m sorry. I just thought that…when your cousin handed over the information he stole, I’d tell my contact and we’d catch Padalecki that way,” Jesse says as he’s working at cutting the cuffs.  Jensen winces as something grazes against his skin. “I didn’t want to be the one who found the incriminating evidence. I _couldn’t_ be the one to find it.” Something about what Jesse was saying made Jensen freeze in his tracks.

“Was it you?” he asks slowly. “Are you the one who paid my cousin?” There was click, as Jesse finally cut through the metal completely and Jensen stood up quickly. His muscles protested and he was momentarily dizzy but he ignored it. As he leaned against the wall he gave Jesse a questioning look.

“The CEO of Winchester was busted a couple of months ago for fraud, no way the company would even risk pulling off a stunt that involved stealing information. I figured that it’d be a good way to get the info I needed. One of the tech guys came up with a program that’d be able to find the info that we needed. All I had to do was find someone else to do it.”

“And that person just happened to be Chris?” Jensen says, “That’s fucking peachy.” He could see the distraught expression on Jesse’s face and he couldn’t help feeling a tinge of sympathy.

“I didn’t know that Jared would meet you of all people and I didn’t know who Chris was back when I first saw you guys in the bar,” Jesse says. “They’re all but ready to charge Padalecki, so your friend’s plan won’t work. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not me you need to apologise to,” Jensen said as he moved away from the wall. Standing here _chatting_ isn’t going to do them or Jared any good. They needed to try and find out where the younger man was before Chris would so something that they’d all regret. Jensen was hoping that his cousin would just stop and _think_ and see that taking Jared wasn’t the solution.

They leave him somewhere cold. That’s all Jared can process. After a few hours of driving or well he thought it been hours they'd finally stopped. He'd been manhandled out of the van and shoved into a building. He'd heard a door creak and then five minutes later he'd been thrown onto the ground. A door had slammed shut and there'd been silence ever since. The hood had remained over his head ensuring that he’d been enclosed in darkness. No one had said anything, explained why they'd taken him. Jared couldn't help feeling very disoriented. Why would anyone want to take him? Maybe it was to do with his dad. Just thinking about it was intensifying the headache he already had. His mind drifted to Jensen. He couldn't remember specific things but he knew that Jensen had been acting weird over the past few days. Come to think of it...wasn’t he supposed to meet Jensen later today? What if Jensen thought that he'd bailed on him. Or forgotten which made Jared feel even worse somehow.

The sound of the lock clicking jolts Jared out of his thoughts. He moves his head up as the door creaks open. Jared almost thinks that he can see a sliver of light. It’s gone so quickly that he dismisses it in favour of listening to the heavy footsteps coming towards him. He feels his shoulders tense up as the footsteps get closer and closer. The floorboards groan under the person’s weight and Jared leans back unconsciously. By that point the person is so close that Jared can hear them breathing. Long drawn out intakes of air. Followed by noisy exhalations. It unsettles Jared and he swallows nervously, attempting to lick his dry lips only to be thwarted by the gag. There’s a loud shrill noise; a phone ringing and Jared can’t help pushing himself closer to the wall behind him.

“What?” a loud gruff voice suddenly says. “That can’t be possible man, check again!” Jared can just about make out the sound of the call being cut off seconds later. He can’t help thinking that the voice sounds familiar. Almost like he’s heard it before. But he can’t remember. Of course he can’t fucking remember. He lets out a frustrated noise but it comes out muffled.

“You think your daddy dearest will pay us a nice little sum to bring you back unharmed? Or are we going to have to rough you up a little?” The guy chuckles as he paces around the room. Jared scoffs to himself. If they’re trying to get money out of his father, they’re going to have to try harder than this.

“Or maybe we’ll kill you. Make it real painful, use knives and shit…bet he’d love that…a disfigured kid to bury. Every parents dream right?” The door opens and slams before the guy can say anything else and a new voice sounds out in the room.

“What the hell are you doing in here?” the second voice says. “Get the fuck out!”

“Aw, chill man. I was just messing with young Jared here, what we’re not allowed to have any fun anymore?”

“I heard what you said, asshole. You focus on your part of the job and leave the kid to me okay?” There’s what Jared think is a mumbled curse and then the door opens and slams again. Before Jared can process all that he’s just heard the hood’s snatched off from his head. The first thing Jared does is wince as the fairly dim light hits his eyes. He blinks as he tries to regain his bearings and almost misses the person untying his hands. The guy backs up as soon as he’s done. After flexing his wrists for a couple of seconds Jared reaches up and pulls the gag out of his mouth. He wants to say something, ask this guy why they’ve taken him and ask him what they want from him. But the words are caught up in his throw and he just draws his legs up to his chest and stays where he is on the floor. Jared doesn’t even want to think about how many of his muscles will be hurting when he eventually gets up and stretches out. All he wants is for them to let him go so he can get to Jensen or Jesse, and just…feel safe again.

“I’m sorry,” the guy in front of him says. He peers down at Jared with a frown, “Do you even remember me?”

“No.” Jared’s voice is a little hoarse from the lack of use but the guy hears him. The guy doesn’t look too pleased at Jared’s answer and he fights the urge to shrug. What was the man expecting? A fucking welcoming party? “Should I?”

“Look, this whole thing was a mistake…I got into deep with the wrong people and just…things just spiralled out of control.”  The guy is dragging his fingers through his long, shoulder length hair now and Jared watches on curiously. He looks familiar.

“No one’s gonna hurt you, I’m gonna make sure of that.”

“Why?” Jared can’t help asking. “You won’t get my dad to pay up like that. Or at all really.”

“You really think he’d be that cold over his own son?” The guy replies and Jared snorts. This man doesn’t even know the half of it.  “Thought he was big on family an’ all that?”

“He’s big on pretending to be someone he’s not,” Jared says with a shrug. “I wish I could say that I’m sorry that it’s going to put a huge dent in your plan, but I’m not.” The man looked a little peeved at Jared’s words and he honestly couldn’t help wondering why. All of this casual talking was just putting him on edge and he didn’t understand what was happening.

“You seem like a good kid”. Jared blinks, what kind of kidnapper is this guy?

“Gee, thanks,” he gripes. “Maybe you could let me go now as a reward for my good behaviour.” Jared feels his fingers twitch a little and he realises that he hasn’t had his book since these guys had taken him. For some reason the whole ordeal was still playing in glorious Technicolor in his head. He can remember shutting down his Dad’s computer, being scared of the heavy footsteps. He remembers being grabbed violently. But he knows that it is just the adrenaline keeping the memories fresh. He’ll forget, just like he always does.  His mind strays to Jensen as he thinks about his book. The memories are hazy and out of focus but he can just about make them out. Jared remembers how he’d dropped it and…he looks up at the guy and realisation dawns on his face.

“I know you!” he exclaims and the guy takes a step back with a panicked look on his face. “You’re Jensen’s cousin…” He trails off as he slowly starts to  processes this information. Jensen's cousin is the person that's kidnapped him?

Jensen. What if…what if Jensen had _known_ about this? The door swings open then and someone else sticks his head in. Flashes of memory speed across Jared’s mind until it stops at one in particular. The guy that he’d bumped into at the entrance to his apartment building. He's here – _now_.

What has Jared gotten himself into?   

 

Jensen’s so pissed that he can barely even talk. After Jesse had talked him out of driving around town until he found Jared, they’d come to the police station to see if they could get someone to listen. Big mistake. He’s been sitting in a chair sullenly as Jesse tries to explain to the female officer on duty what has happened. Of course they have no evidence and have to wait 48 hours before they can report Jared missing. Once she’d heard his last name, she’d given them both strange looks and Jensen knows that they’re not going to get help here. He’s so wrung up  that the obvious solution doesn’t come to him until he’s been glaring at the wall across him for a good ten minutes. He could _call_ Chris. Sure, Chris had snagged Jensen’s cell phone before he’d left but there’s still a chance that Chris still had his cell phone on him. Without even a backwards glance at Jesse, Jensen rushes to the phone as he digs around in his pocket for loose change. Luckily, he finds some and he’s jamming in quarters and dialling the number within a few seconds. _Please go through_ , he pleads silently as he waits for the call to connect. There’s a beat as Jensen holds his breath. Seconds later he’s letting it out in a sigh of relief as the dialling tone sounds in his ears. _Pick up, pick up._

“Hello?” Chris’ gruff voice sounds down the line and for a second Jensen can’t even talk. But he quickly remembers that it’s _Jared_ at the stake here and he clears his throat.

“It’s me,” he says. “Where are you?”

“Jensen?” Chris sounds surprised to hear Jensen’s voice and why wouldn’t he? Jensen huffs out his annoyance as he replies,

“Yes. Now where are you? There’s still time to make this right.”

“Nah, there isn’t,” Chris says sadly. “I’m guessing you know more than I do at this point. Why is that the file transfer I was doing on my computer at the apartment got terminated somehow?”

“No, I don't,” Jensen answers honestly. “Stop changing the subject.”

“He knows who I am…I’ve probably screwed things up for you two, huh. I know how you felt and I did it anyway.”

“ _Chris,”_ Jensen says. “Save this speech for later, just tell me where you are before things get any worse. This is your get out of jail free card, no one knows that you’ve taken him. His dad’s been in custody since this morning. I’m the only one who knows.” It’s a lie but Jensen’s just saying anything at this point, he doesn’t really want to know what’s going on in Chris’ head, he just…wants Jared back in once peace.

“Oh, it’s worse,” Chris says, as he steamrolls past the rest of Jensen’s words. “The guys I owe? They want their cash tomorrow or that’s it.” Jensen sighs as the phone beeps, letting him know that he’s almost out of money. He shoves in more money and pinches the bridge of his nose before he responds.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that I don’t have anything to lose any more Jen,” Chris says sadly. “I give up the kid, they’ll find me, I don’t give up the kid and they find me. That’s how it ends.” Jensen swallows hard as he lets Chris’ words sink in. He’s so lost inside his head that he doesn’t hear Jesse approaching him.

“What’s happening?” Jesse mouths and Jensen shakes his head gently.

“Where are you Chris?” he asks. “Give me an address and I’ll come and get you and we can talk about this face to face.” There’s a long pause as Jensen waits with bated breath, Jesse hovering behind him and Chris remaining silent. Eventually, Chris rattles off an address and Jensen commits it to memory. He doesn’t bother to hang up, just drops the phone and rushes over to the desk. He grabs one of the old leaflets and scribbles the address down.

“Come on,” he calls to Jesse who’s giving him a startled look. “I know where he is.”

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unbetad, so sorry in advance for any mistakes and typos that I wasn't able to catch. Also, I'm sorry that this has taken so long to post. _And_ I want to apologise if this part isn't up to scratch. I feel like I've lost my way with this a little, and I'm sorry if I've ruined it for anyone. 
> 
> ~x~

 

# Part Six

 

 

“So what was he saying to you on the phone?” Jesse asks. They’re in his car driving to wherever it is that Chris has Jared and Jensen’s mind is more than a little distracted. On one hand, he’s fucking ecstatic that this will all be over soon. But on the other…he’s worried that everything’s screwed up. That _he’s_ screwed up Jared even more, and he hates the feeling it gives him.

“Uh, have you called the cops yet?” he asks completely bypassing Jesse’s question. It’s not that he doesn’t want to answer, just…what the hell is he meant to say? _Oh, he owes a shit ton of money to a bunch of thugs that’ll kill him if he doesn’t pay up_. That wouldn’t really go down well. The only solution that Jensen can think of right now is Chris being taken back down to the PD until Jensen can figure something out. They still have 100k, as far as he knows. Maybe he can reason with the guys – and that’s only if he can find them first.

“Hey!” Jesse’s voice cuts into Jensen’s thoughts and he looks up at the older man in surprise.

“What?” he can’t help the defensive note in his tone. He’s not exactly in the mood for chatting.

“Why do you want me to call the cops?” Jesse asks. “You’re really going to turn your own cousin in?” There’s something in his eyes, like he knows something that Jensen doesn’t and Jensen sighs an slumps back into the passenger seat. Jesse turns back to the road.

“If he’s in jail, then he’ll be safer there. Just until I can figure something out.” 

“Remember when I told you that I had your cousin investigated?” Jesse asks quietly and Jensen mumbles his affirmation. “Well, said that he was in a serious shit, I didn’t say what exactly he was involved in.” Jensen grits his teeth as he tries not to just yell at Jesse and tell him to fucking spit it out already.

“Please enlighten me,” he snaps not really caring if he’s being rude. He glances at his watch as they approach yet another stop light and he wishes that he was the one driving. Lord knows that he’d have broken every single damn speeding limit on the way. He’s not sure why Jesse’s so fucking zen about the whole thing.

“Your cousin’s not a bad guy,” Jesse says. “There’s a reason why he asked _you_ to help him with all of this. There is no gambling problem.” Jensen rolls his eyes because if anyone knows his cousin, it’s _him_. He knows that Chris loves his freaking card games like nobody’s business. Plus why would Chris lie to him if there was a good reason.

“He borrowed the money from a loan shark – not the brightest move, but it’s done now,” Jesse continues picking up his speed a little as they hurtle down a particularly empty stretch of road. “He needed because his parents were in trouble.” Jensen snorts at that because; Chris parents have never been short of cash. God knows that they liked to flaunt it too.  

“You’re kidding,” he says in disbelief. “How on earth would they have lost everything without my family knowing?”

“Rich people like to collect things,” Jesse replies. “Keeping up appearances wouldn’t be too difficult especially when your son ensures that you don’t lose your house.” Jensen turns to face the window, his heart hammering in his chest as Jesse’s words sink in. It would definitely explain why Chris had been so very desperate, why he’d asked Jensen of all people for help. He feels his anger deflating slowly and he’s left with a strong sense of hopelessness.

Everything’s wrong.

 

 

It’s fitting in a way; it’s his most loathed memory that comes to the forefront of Jared’s memory when he falls into some sort of trance. It’s like he had that notion of a possible betrayal from Jensen and just snapped. He’s back to being that kid again. That kid who wanted everyone to like him; the one who wanted Chad to like him. The sound of screeching metal and screaming reverberates in his head, echoing over and over until it stops. He gets a few seconds respite before it starts all over again. It’s the same scene, the same angry grinding of metal and the same cries of anguish. He can hear someone calling his name, it’s a familiar voice but it sounds like it’s coming from under water.

“What’s wrong with him?” another voice, with the same muffled quality filters into his ears and Jared blinks sluggishly.

He just wants everything to stop.

 

 

By the time they get there, Chris pacing outside nervously his back facing the driveway. They’re at some sort of abandoned building in the middle of nowhere and idly Jensen wonders how Chris even has a cell phone reception out here. Chris looks up in surprise when he sees them approaching him and Jensen can’t help glaring at him. He doesn’t care that Chris looks distraught and harried. He doesn’t care what Chris’ reasons were; nothing about this situation will ever be okay.

“Where is he?” Jesse says from behind Jensen. Chris jerks his head towards the building but makes no attempt to move. It’s late evening now and Jensen can’t help wondering if Jared’s parents have even noticed that he’s gone. Or maybe they’re too caught up in the fraud scandal. And, what the hell are they even going to tell Jared?

“You should have let me call the cops,” Jensen says through gritted teeth as he directs his angry gaze at Jesse. “I don’t care why he did it; it doesn’t make any of this right!” His voice echoes into the darkness as Chris and Jesse both look at him silently. He knows what they’re both thinking; Jared probably won’t remember most of it anyway. But they’re wrong. Even if he doesn’t remember now, it’ll always be there in the shadows of his mind.

“Already called them,” Chris says. “Sent the guys home.”

“What _guys_?” Jensen asks. Chris doesn’t answer. Just pushes past Jensen as he starts to walk up  the driveway. Jesse’s left watching him and Jensen looks away. He doesn’t want to go inside, doesn’t want to see the state Jared’s in. Most of all he doesn’t want to let go of Jared. But he knows that he has to. After today, there’s just no way that he can stay.

“Are you coming or not?” Jesse asks, his voice lacking any emotion. Jensen doesn’t know how he does it. He’s racked up with so much guilt and yet Jesse’s so _calm_ about the entire thing.

“I did what I did to protect Jared,” Jesse says softly. “I can’t apologise for that  and I’m not going to let my feelings get in the way of what’s important here. Protecting him. If you think that you can’t do the same then maybe you should go now. Go deal with Chris.”

He doesn’t wait for Jensen’s answer as he disappears into the building. The door slams hard in his wake.

 

 

 

 

When Jared wakes up again he’s back at his parents’ house. He’s back in his old bedroom. He’s just not sure how many days it’s been. Each time he wakes up here, he feels like he’s just gotten back here. The calendar on his phone says otherwise. While the room feels like it’s been doused in _Febreze,_ he can still smell a musty scent. He’s spent the last few days being prodded by doctors and his mother. They’ve all asked him the same question. Does he remember who attacked him? Does he remember where they took him? Does he remember anything at all? His answer for all of those questions had been ‘No’. Even though that wasn’t strictly true. Still, Jared has his reasons for not saying anything yet. That guy who’d taken him had been Jensen’s cousin. He remembers the entire thing very clearly. Sometimes just thinking about it gives him a headache because of how _vivid_ the imagery is. The worst part is that he hasn’t heard from Jensen since. Jesse had stormed into the room he’d been in and practically carried Jared out of there. Jared doesn’t remember much of that because he’d been pretty out of it. He remembers catching a glimpse of Jensen as Jesse dragged him towards his car. Jensen hadn’t approached him as he stepped away from Chris. Jared’s _kidnapper_. He just stood there, tears glistening in his eyes as he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

But as Jared sits her in his bed, with a painful sense of longing in his chest, sorry just isn’t good enough. He misses Jensen like he’s a phantom limb, like he’s his second half. Yet he’s conflicted. He hates that he doesn’t know what’s going on but sometimes he thinks that’s for the best. Maybe he and Jensen could be happier that way. He knows Jensen though. He knows how much stock Jensen puts into the fact that Jared sometimes can’t really understand certain things.  It’s part of the reasons why their relationship had been bumbling along at a slow but steady pace. While Jared’s grateful for Jensen’s consideration, he wishes that Jensen will be selfish enough to face Jared and fight for what they have. He wants Jensen to make him understand what’s happened because Jared knows how much it’ll hurt if this is it for them. There’s got to be a reasonable explanation, Jared’s come to the conclusion several times as he replays everything over and over in his mind. Chris had seemed almost distraught once he’d sent the other guys packing and…well, he hadn’t seemed like a bad person to Jared. Apart from the whole kidnap thing, that is. But you heard stories about this kind of thing. Maybe this Chris guy had been desperate. Maybe _Jensen_ had been desperate. Jared’s not sure that he really cares about that.

He just wants Jensen to love him enough to not let him go.

\--

Jesse shows up at some point. Jared thinks that it’s about a week after _everything_ but he can’t be sure. He’s very apologetic at first and completely un-Jesse like that Jared cuts him off mid-sentence and tells him to either shut up or leave.

“I see you’re still as polite as ever,” Jesse says with a smile but Jared doesn’t smile back. He’s not sure what’s wrong here, but he can see right past the overly cheery façade that Jesse’s presenting.

“You _were_ watching me weren’t you?” Jared asks. “Just not on my Dad’s behalf.”

“Jared…” Jesse trails off as Jared brandishes his notebook from where it was sitting on the nightstand. 

“It’s in here on one of the first pages!” Jesse rubs a hand over his face and sighs, like he’s heard this before. Jared can vaguely remember asking it several times but he can’t give a definite number. He can’t help feeling a little relieved by Jesse’s reaction. It means that he’s not lost all of his perceptiveness. Sometimes it can be a little hard to get a gage on what’s going on around him. He makes mistakes or he misses things.

Jared hates that.

“Start talking,” he says grimly as Jesse’s expression turns into a guilty one.

 

 

 

 

Jensen’s waiting outside when Jesse comes out of Jared’s room. He hadn’t intended on coming but in the end he’d made his decision and tried his hardest to stick with hit. Jared’s mother hadn’t known who he was and it’d thrown him a little. But he’d explained that they were friends and she’d been all too willing to allow him in. “ _He doesn’t have many of those,_ ” is what she’d said sadly as he wiped his feet on the welcome mat and let her take his jacket. Jensen hadn’t responded. Of course, he doesn’t realise that Jesse’s there until he hears the voices coming from the other side of the door. He knows that he shouldn’t be listening but he can’t help it.

By the time Jesse swings the door open and comes face to face with Jensen, he’s not feeling too happy about deciding to come here after all. But Jesse gives him and encouraging nod and mouths, “ _Don’t fuck it up._ ” Jensen nods back as he pushes past him and enters Jared’s room. Jared’s lying in bed, his eyes scanning the iPad in front of him. He looks up as his door clicks shut, eyes widening when he sees that it’s Jensen. There’s an awkward pause as they watch each other silently. Eventually, Jensen relents and speaks up.

“Hi,” he says with tension rife in his voice. Truth be told, he’s as a tired as hell from the events of the past week. Unsurprisingly, calling the police had been called. Jensen had spent hours down at the station getting Chris to see that everything he’d done had been wrong. His cousin understood it on a visceral level but he’d resorted back to his default setting of _what’s done is done_. Jensen couldn’t even blame him after the messy conversation they’d had with Chris’ parents. As much as Jensen loved his family, their obsession with image really stressed him out at times. On one hand, involving cops could possibly implicate him and Jesse as well and Jensen doesn’t exactly want that. But on the other, deception and lies are what caused all of this in the first place. No one has a choice here.

“Your mom said I could come straight up.”

“Oh. Well hey,” Jared says, his tone coloured in uncertainty. Jensen gives him a quick once over. He doesn’t look bad, a little pale maybe but he seems to be healthy. Jensen frowns as he wonders why he’s wrapped up in bed like he’s sick or something. “Doctor said I just rest and my mother’s been extra fussy. She yelled at me today when I asked her where Dad was. Apparently, it was the sixth time I’d asked her.”

“Oh,” Jensen says because he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say to that. “How are you? I mean…you didn’t get hurt did you?”

“Nah,” Jared says. “Just a bit of lingering shock but I’m fine. I told everyone that I don’t remember anything.” Jensen nods because from what he’d overheard Jared told Jesse that he doesn’t remember anything.

“When you say _told_ ….” 

“That’s what I told them,” Jared pauses as he pushes his comforter back and swings his legs down, his feet hitting the floor softly. He motions towards the computer chair by his desk and Jensen sits down reluctantly. He hadn’t planned to stay for long. He’d assumed that Jared would be angry and confused, assumed that this was just a formality – that whatever the hell they had would be over by the time he walked out of here. Somehow he’s the one who’s confused right now. “I remember everything from the point where they burst into my Dad’s office right up to seeing you after when Jesse came in and got me.” Jared looks a little terrified as he speaks and Jensen feels a pain deep in his chest. It hurts him that…out of everything, _that’s_ what Jared remembers.

“You have to tell them – the cops _and_ the doctors,” Jensen replies. “I mean remembering is still good right, it could be a sign that you’re getting better? Maybe one of these days you’ll wake up and re—“

“Stop!” Jared literally as his hands over his ears and Jensen cuts himself off. He can’t even begin to understand what Jared’s going through, but isn’t being positive a good thing. That’s what these so called experts always say. As quickly as that thought pops into his head, it’s replaced by a memory. He remembers Jared telling him that he hates having to act like one day everything will be okay because it’s a constant reminder of how messed up he is. Jensen doesn’t really agree but he thinks that there’s something deeper behind Jared’s reasoning. Like he feels as though he doesn’t deserve to heal.

Before Jensen really knows what he’s doing, he approaches Jared, sits down beside him with his hand instantly reaching up to take hold of Jared’s face. Slowly but surely, he leans forward and kisses Jared softly, practically sighing in relief when Jared responds.

After a few minutes, Jared pulls away from him and shifts further away, his eyes downwards. Jensen tenses up as he realises what he’s just done.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“The reason why I didn’t tell anyone is because of you,” Jared says quietly. “I like you a lot. I think I might have even fallen in love with you a little. But…you only wanted to be my friend because you needed something from me – Jesse told me everything – and…it reminded me of Chad.”

“I’m nothing like Chad!” Jensen can’t help the denial even if deep down inside he knows that Jared’s probably right. He might not have wanted to hurt Jared or betray his trust but he did.

“Aren’t you? He liked the fact that I had money, liked to use me to get what he wanted. Except I definitely wasn’t what he wanted. You used me to get whatever the hell it was and it hurts a lot more than it did when Chad did it.”

“Jared—“

“Just…let me finish this while I still can,” Jared cuts him off and Jensen leans back silently, heart thudding in his chest as he anticipates Jared’s words. “I think my thing for Chad was just a stupid crush y’know? It wasn’t as strong as my feelings for you and…I was going to forgive you. Because you’re still here right? Even after…all of that. I can’t tell the cops either because you were just trying to help out your cousin. Who was trying to help out his parents? I mean, who’s the bad guy here? I can’t justify screwing up anyone else’s life.” Jensen doesn’t respond right away because he simply doesn’t know what to say. Jared obviously has a lot of issues and needs to talk to someone about them and as much as he wishes it was him, he doesn’t see things working out.

 _I think I might have fallen in love with you a little._ He’s still processing that one because…he knows that he loves Jared too but, he doesn’t think that Jared will believe that right now. And he’s not exactly in the state of mind to plead his case here. These last few weeks have been about Chris, Jared…Jesse even and Jensen just needs to breathing space. He needs to be on his own for a few weeks and just…sort his life out.

But he doesn’t want to leave.

“You don’t have to pretend anymore,” Jared says eventually, while Jensen is still choking on the words that he so very wants to say. “To like me I mean, I get that…someone like me isn’t exactly special. I mean look at this room for God’s sake. Man, I miss my apartment. But even _that_ was just me trying to be somebody else. I’m not that guy. I’m just Jared. So…you can go and…we’ll call it quits. No hard feelings?”

Jensen still can’t say a fucking word. There’s a lump in his throat and he just can’t trust himself to say a damn thing. He reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out a pen and reaches over to grab Jared’s book. Jared watches him wordlessly as he opens it up on a blank page. He turns slightly, so that his back is to Jared and he scribbles down a quick message. He snaps the book shut as soon as he’s done and he turns back to Jared and takes hold of his hand. As he squeezes it lightly he whispers,

“Don’t look at what I wrote until I’m gone.”  Jared nods gently and Jensen clears his throat, “You should tell the cops what you remember. Chris, he…he gave himself up.”

He leaves before Jared can reply.

\--

Jesse’s waiting outside for him, cigarette dangling from his lips as Jensen walks towards him. He doesn’t look upset or angry; his expression is more indifferent than anything else.

“I didn’t know that you smoked.”

“I don’t,” Jesse says as he tosses it onto the ground almost as if hadn’t heard Jensen approaching him. “Just everything’s all jacked up, y’know?” Jensen nods slowly. He does know.

“I thought about turning myself in too,” Jensen says. “I mean, I stole something…that’s what I’m supposed to do right? Confess?”

“Yeah, if you’re an idiot,” Jesse says with a snort as he leans against the wall. “It’s not like the old man wasn’t guilty and _he_ probably won’t get jail time.” Jensen rolls his eyes at that, it sounds just like what Chris had said to him when he’d voiced the same thing. Maybe they were right, but it didn’t _feel_ right. It was easy to say that Jensen hadn’t done anything. It was _easy_ to stand here and say that nobody had gotten hurt but…Jared had. That definitely didn’t feel right to Jensen.

“Look, I get what you’re thinking. We stole, we lied about it and we got Jared into a mess that could easily have been blown out of proportion. But we’re all okay. I shouldn’t have done what I did, so if you want to blame someone blame me.”

“You were just doing your job,” Jensen says.

“Yeah but at what cost? Ruining my best friend’s life? Because that’s basically what I’ve done. His dad’s going to be unbearable when he gets back home.”

“But…you were just doing what you had to do,” Jensen replies and Jesse finally turns to look at him.  He smiles and Jensen frowns in return.

“And it’s exactly the same for you,” Jesse says. “Don’t stress out over it; just…learn from your mistakes now. I certainly will be.”

“How very _Disney_ of you.”

“Smartass.”

\--

Life goes on. Jensen still feels guilty, some days to the point where he can’t eat or sleep. But some days he thinks that maybe he was just doing what he had to do. It forms some sort of equilibrium that allows him to get on with his life. He ends up spending quite a lot of time with Jesse (who quits his job despite claiming that he didn’t feel any guilt at all). Jared’s apartment is cleared out and before Jensen knows what’s happening, Jesse’s paid two months’ rent and he mails a key over to Jensen. He accepts it. Not because he wants to feel closer to Jared somehow but because there’s only a month left on the lease for Chris’ apartment and he can’t really afford it. At least that’s what he tells himself.

Jared never calls or emails and Jensen pretends that he’s okay with it.

 

 

Jared knocks on the door quietly, secretly hoping that the people inside don’t hear it. Once that door opens there’s no turning back and he’s not sure if he’s ready for this. How ready can you be to face the person’s whose life you’ve ruined? Jared doesn’t think there’s any way to prepare himself for that. He’s counting up to twenty in his head when the door swings open. The words die in his throat there and then.

“Jared!” Sandy exclaims as he does his best not to grimace. There’s a childish hopefulness in her tone that makes Jared hurt a little. He’d expected a slammed door his face, or anger. “It’s been such a long time. Come in!” Still unable to speak, he watches as she leans on her crutches and goes back inside the house. He follows her silently, shutting the door behind him before he joins her in the front room. He spies her wheelchair placed next to the table and he ignores the lump forming in his throat. It feels familiar. Why does it feel so familiar?

“Have I been here before?” he asks. Jared knows that it was the wrong thing to say when her face falls. She looks the same, same brown hair and dark brown eyes. It reminds him that the accident wasn’t really all that long ago. Not that he needs that particular reminder. He sees inside his head every day.

“You used to come here every Thursday before I told you to stop coming over. First you’d visit at the hospital and then here when I got back,” Sandy’s voice sounds a little forced. Like she’s trying hard to keep her emotions in check and Jared realises that she should never have come here. He can’t remember ever being here before.

“Why did you tell me to stop?”

“I got tired of forgiving you every single week when you just continued to beat yourself up over it,” she says. “It wasn’t good for me when I was still struggling with…with everything.”

“So…why am I here now?” Jared asks because he certainly doesn’t have the answer. She sighs at him before she eases herself down onto the couch and gestures for Jared to join her.

“Because I’m better now and…I got your package and I wanted to say thank you,” she replies. Jared doesn’t join her on the tan coloured couch; he frowns at her with his brow furrowed in confusion.

“What package?” She doesn’t answer, just simply reaches over the side of the couch and pulls up a brown package and hands it over to him. Jared’s eyes widen in shock as he sees a thick stack of green bills. A small piece of paper flutters out and Jared kneels down and picks it up. He’s still crouched down as he glances at it and sees the word _All my love, J_ written on it.

It’s not his handwriting. It’s not his mother’s or his father’s.

Suddenly his heart is pounding so loud that it’s all he can hear. He closes his eyes briefly as he stands up, not really caring that he ends up stumbling a little. Sandy starts talking, as if she’s oblivious to Jared’s reaction and Jared realises that she just thinks that he doesn’t remember.

For the first time in a long time, it doesn’t make him sad or depressed. It makes him angry.

“The guy who brought it over was really cute too!” She says and she sounds so much like she did all those months ago when everything was…better. Jared can’t help smiling. “He said that you’d want me to have it. At first I was like, ‘no I can’t accept this’ but then…it’s not like my medical bills are going away anytime soon.”

“I thought my Dad paid for your bills?” Jared asks and then he freezes.

Another memory.

Sandy barely even notices, she’s too busy nodding, “Well yeah, but that was just the initial costs and everything. I didn’t want any more hush-hush money, you know?” Jared doesn’t know but he nods in agreement anyway. He’s long given up on pretending to even question all of things that his father did.

“Anyway, it means a lot coming from you,” Sandy continues. “I hope that we can still be friends even after all of this.”

“Of course,” Jared reassures her.

\--

“Are you sure?” his mother asks for the fifth time. “Last time you living on your own didn’t work out so well!” Jared can’t help the hope that springs up in his chest at his mother’s words. If everything goes to plan, he won’t be on his own. Well, not really. But when he thinks about the words that he’s read and reread over and over for the last two months he can’t stop _hoping_.

_I promised that I’d never leave and I meant it. Maybe you’ll call me someday._

_Jensen._

It says nothing and everything at the same time and Jared’s secretly worried that Jensen won’t show up. That somehow the voicemail he left didn’t go through. Maybe Jensen won’t even care; maybe it’s been too long.

But when he steps inside the apartment building, the first thing he sees is Jensen sitting there by the security desk.  Waiting for him.

It brings a wide, bright smile to his face.

\--

Despite their upbeat greetings, things soon get a little awkward. It’s been at least four months since they’ve last spoken and they’re both different. Jensen can sense it. Jared seems stronger somehow, more self-assured but there’s still a sense of self-doubt lingering over him. As for Jensen? He’s practically restraining himself from just _touching_ Jared like he wants to.

“Oh, I didn’t realise that Jared had invited a friend!” Mrs Padalecki unknowingly breaks the ice and Jensen feels some tension slip out of him. “I suppose that I ought to leave you boys to it for now. I’ll be back later though.” Jared rolls his eyes fondly as she waves and starts to make her way out, but Jensen can see the smile in his eyes. That’s new too. And even though he and Jared have a lot to talk about, Jensen starts to feel something akin to hope for the first time in a long time.

He doesn’t want to be over optimistic or anything, but this feels like a new beginning.

 

                                                                   

 


	7. Chapter 7

  

 

By the time they’re both inside Jared’s apartment, things have gotten awkward and neither one of them are speaking. It’s nothing that Jared wasn’t expecting but it still tugs away at him. He still feels like things would be seamless if they were meant to be. It’s a stupid ideal, he knows it is.. He tries to replay his doctor’s words inside his head. Hope isn’t a bad thing, but sometimes he’s got to be realistic. He has to find a balance. So he turns to where Jensen’s hovering awkwardly by the doorway. Jared shoots him a timid smile and Jensen returns it weakly.

“So, I heard that you moved into my old apartment.” There’s some bite to his words and it’s definitely not what Jared wanted. But he does anyway, and he watches Jensen’s reactions carefully.

“I had nowhere else to go.” Jensen doesn’t offer any more than that and Jared watches silently as Jensen shoves his hands into his pockets and bunches his shoulders together. Almost as if he’s cold. Jared takes a deep breath, tugging at the ends of his hair as he takes and abortive step forwards. Stops and says,

“I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right.” Jensen doesn’t look at him but Jared can see his shoulders sag a little.

“It’s just that, you didn’t call.” The words surprise Jared almost as much as they do Jensen but he realises that it’s a real issue here.

“You asked me not to,” Jensen says. “If I thought for a second that you’d wanted me to, I would have picked up the phone every day and called.” He’s got a point, and well, it’s not like Jensen’s a mind reader. But Jared tries to get all of this anxiety of his chest and he shrugs.

“I thought that you would anyway, especially if you really _liked_ me,” He tries to wince at how petulant he sounds, how _young_ he sounds. But maybe he’s entitled to. He’s not used to relationships, not used to his thoughts being consumed by one person all day, every day. What he feels for Jensen isn’t even close to that ridiculous crush he had on Chad, and he’s confused. He still hasn’t told his parents about Jensen; because he likes that he has one thing in his life that they can’t control.

But he wants to tell them, he wants to tell everybody. It’s something he realised months ago, round about the time he realised that he’d forgiven Jensen for everything. Not just because he’d given Sandy that money and because he’d seemed sincere with his apologies.

He’d forgiven him because Jensen was the best friend that he’d ever had. He couldn’t risk losing that.

“I _love_ you enough to respect your wishes,” Jensen finally answers and Jared can’t help the way his heart kind of skips a beat. Yet somehow, the word overwhelms him and he turns around and starts unpacking his bag.

“You can sit down,” he says as he gestures towards the couch at the center of the room.  He doesn’t look back, but the thud of Jensen’s footsteps lets him know that Jensen’s accepted the offer. He lets out a breath that he hadn’t even realised he’d been holding in.

“H-how’s your cousin?” Jared asks, his voice stammering a little as a brief memory of that day flashes through his mind.

“He’s good,” Jensen says almost instantly, like it’s a natural, instinctive answer. Jared’s hands still and he slowly makes his way over to the couch and joins Jensen. His heart is pounding in his chest like someone’s beating on like a drum but he ignores it and faces Jensen. He watches as Jensen’s face morphs into a sad expression and he feels a little twinge of pain.

“He’s doing okay,” Jensen speaks again, his face now unreadable and his voice closed off. “He’s not accepting visitors, or a lawyer or…any support and…”

“What?”

“What’s going on?” Jensen asks suddenly. “Do you remember things now? Is that why you’re so…different?”

  
"I am different," Jared agrees with a gentle nod. "I've stopped feeling sorry for myself, stopped blaming myself for what happened." Jensen looks as though he's unsure about what he's supposed to say. Jared doesn't blame him. He'd be the same of the tables were turned. The truth is that he has changed, for the better. Jared concedes that he maybe should have waited until he was settled in here before calling Jensen over. It might have made this conversation a lot easier. Or maybe he should have called Jesse, though he has to admit that it's mainly been one person on his mind. And they're standing in front of him.

"What you did for Sandy opened my eyes to a lot of things," Jared says after a long pause. "She could sit around and wallow in self-pity all day long but she doesn't. That's how I wanted to be. How I hope I am  
now...”  
  
"That's good." Jensen sounds genuinely pleased, but there's still a wave of doubt in his tone. Like he doesn't quite understand what Jared is saying to him Jared starts to wish that he'd sent an email or called or _something_.  But this is Jensen; all he has to do is get the words out. He knows that Jensen will understand. He’s the only one who ever seems to have just _gotten_ him completely and he doesn’t want to lose that. Not over something that’s brought him more good than harm.

Not many people would see their kidnapping as a good thing, but Jared does. He’s just not sure how to explain that to anyone without them thinking that he’s a total head case. So he’d called Jensen.

“Look,” Jensen says all of a sudden, and Jared can’t help thinking that Jensen’s going to leave. He’s going to say that it’s nice that Jared’s better but he’s moved on. Jared barely resists the urge to clamp his hands over his ears. Maybe he can come away from this with _some_ of his dignity intact. “I’m not sure why I’m here. I…I don’t know, I’m not saying that I don’t want to be here, but I can’t do this.”

Jared freezes.

“You can’t do what?” he asks, hating how small his voice sounds. Jensen shifts from where he’s sitting so that he’s facing Jared directly.

“ _This_. Pretending like we’re okay, when we’re not!” Jensen replies. “I need to know where we stand. And, I hate that I’m making this about me but you seem so sure of yourself that I’m on edge and just…and just…” For a second Jared doesn’t realise what’s happening. Jensen’s face has turned red and he looks like he’s struggling to just _breathe._ He’s never really seen Jensen’s vulnerable side before and…it scares the crap out of him. But he refuses to dwell on it as he rushes over and sits by Jensen and grabs his arm.

“Hey,” he says softly. “Calm down, okay? Everything’s going to be okay. _We’re_ going to be okay.”

“Oh yeah?” Jensen says. “What happens when you wake up tomorrow and don’t remember any of this? Where does that leave me?”

“I’m not going to forget.”

“How do you know that, Jared?” Jensen practically cries and Jared shrugs.

“I just do,” he replies. Ever since Jared his little epiphany, things have been clearer. His doctor said that it’s more like that there’s a psychological reason behind his broken memory rather than a medical one. Ever since then, he’s been remembering _more_. He’s seen brief snatches of the past flit across his eyes. But the one thing that’s been almost as clear as day is the time he spent with Jensen. He doesn’t remember more than what he did already, but what he does remember is more vivid. That’s got to mean something.

“Yeah, maybe,” is what Jensen says when Jared puts that all out there. Jared waits for him to say more but nothing comes. He hates the sense of dread creeping its way up his system and he takes a deep breath. He let’s go of Jensen’s arm and moves away and puts some distance between them.

“I’m sorry,” he tells Jensen wistfully. “I only really asked you here to tell you that I wanted to be friends. ‘Cause, what kind of guy would want to date someone who might not even remember a word they say come the next day, month or year? That’d be asking too much, right? And maybe that guy would be right to pull away.”

“Or,” Jensen says carefully. “That guy won’t mind because the alternative isn’t any better. Maybe he’d be willing to deal with _all_ of that because he just can’t give this up. Not now…and maybe not ever.”

“Are you…are you saying—“ Jensen cuts him off with a kiss. It’s soft at first; just a chaste brush of lips against lips but then Jared presses closer and deepens the kiss until there’s nothing between them. It feels like _home_.

“I love you,” Jared murmurs when he finally pulls back, leaning his forehead against Jensen’s.

“I love you too,” Jensen says, and there’s no mistaking the adoring look in his eyes.

Just then, the door bursts open and Jared’s mom walks in. At first she’s smiling but she seems to take in the sight before her and stop.

“Oh,” she says into the room. “ _Oh_ ,” It doesn’t sound like she’s upset so Jared stands and pulls Jensen up with him.

“Mom, this is Jensen.” He grins as he turns back to look at Jensen. “He’s my boyfriend.”

 

Jensen’s standing in line at the movie theater with Jared when his phone goes off. Jared offers to wait in line for the tickets so he darts out and answers it.

The voice on the other end makes him freeze.

\--

“Are you sure that he’s okay with me coming along?” Jared asks for what seems like the thousandth time. They’re on their way to visit Chris at the prison center where he’s been held. Both of them are coping with their nerves in different way. Jared’s asked a shit ton of questions and Jensen’s barely uttered a word. He’d been shocked to receive a call from Chris let alone hear that he wanted to see Jensen. Of course Jared had insisted on coming along even though Jensen was a hundred percent certain that it was a bad idea. But he couldn’t tell Jared what to do. So here they were on the road, with so much tension brimming between them that Jensen just wanted to turn the car around and drive the fuck home.

“Look, I have something to tell you,” Jared says suddenly and Jensen glances over at him. He’s wearing that blank expression he uses when he knows that Jensen won’t like what he has to say. “I didn’t keep this from you on purpose I just, forgot - you know it is.”

“Right,” Jensen replies because he doesn’t know what else he’s supposed to say. It’s not like he hasn’t heard that line before and it’s not like he can justify being mad over it. It’s just _frustrating_ sometimes but then Jensen reminds himself about all the things he loves about Jared, all the things that make his imperfect memory seem like a minor flaw. It calms him down and makes him think rationally again.

He tries his best to do that now, but he just feels so _tense_.

“Okay so, my dad was talking about the trial and he was saying stuff like, ‘I hope they throw the book at him’ and you know, other things and I felt bad. So I asked my dad’s lawyer what one could do maybe help lessen his sentence…”

“Help _lessen_ his sentence? Are you completely insane?” Jensen snaps as they approach a red light, and he turns to glare at Jared. “He _kidnapped_ you!”

“I’m aware of that,” Jared replies testily. “But it’s not like he’s denying it, I mean he’s sorry right?” Jensen turns back to the road without answering and Jared continues.

“Look, that’s not even the issue here,” he says. “I wrote the letter in your name.” The only thing that stops Jensen from slamming the brakes is that fact that Jared’s still skittish around and in cars.

“Why?” he demands to know. “Why would you do that?”

“I did it because the thought of him being locked away for ten years is killing you!” Jared says. “And I know that you’re too stubborn to do anything about it so I did it for you. I’m not going to apologise for that.”

“You’re insane,” Jensen says but it likes bite and Jared regards him cautiously. “Will it help?”

“I…honestly don’t know,” Jared says. “But I just…it didn’t occur to me that he’d want to see you so I didn’t tell you. For that – I’m sorry.”

Three months later

Jensen lets out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding as people start to spill out of the courtroom. Before he can regain his bearings, his phone buzzes in his pocket and he pulls it out. It’s a text from Jared.

 **So?** it reads.

**He got it three years**

**_That’s…not too bad, right?_ **

**I guess. His lawyer seemed pleased.**

**_He’ll be out of there in no time, Jensen._ **

**Right,** Jensen texts back as he starts to head towards the exit, not really wanting to stay in the building for another second. Chris won’t be expecting to see him but he still feels like he should go back there. He shakes his head and continues to propel himself forwards.

 **How’s your dad’s trial going?** It’s almost slipped his mind, the reason why Jared isn’t here with him right now. His dad’s fraud trial has been on-going for a few weeks now, and Jared’s attendance is required.  It is probably going a lot differently than Chris’ did. Jensen’s met Mr Padalecki and few times and he knows that if anyone can get out of the charges that he’s facing, it’s Mr Padalecki. He tries not to dwell on the morality of it all.

**_Oh…we’ve had three witnesses talk about how my Dad put them out of business already. It can’t get any better. I’m hoping that I don’t remember any of this. Ha!_ **

**That’s not funny.**

**_It is! Come on, we’ve talked about this. I’m not as flaky as I used to be. My doctor says that I’m improving day by day. Plus…I’m never gonna forget you, am I?_ **

**You better not, Sasquatch.**

**_I won’t. Hey, mom’s glaring at me now, so I better put my phone away and start acting like a doting son. Ha. I’ll see you later, okay. Love you._ **

**Love you too.**

As Jensen pockets his phone a smile forms on his face. This might be the last time he sees Chris in a while, and this might not be the end of all the tension and anxiety that he’s been feeling for the last few months. But he knows that as long as he has Jared, things will find a way of working themselves out.

**Fin.**

 

 


End file.
